I'm Moving On

You gain power when you can look at someone and accept all that they were to you, all that they weren't to you, all that they are, all that they will never be and all that you don't want anymore. It is amazing to just accept it. To look at them and feel everything and nothing all at once. To feel whole in everything you are in that moment and to know who you are and where you are going. To accept life for how it is and love and look forward to whatever is going to come next. It is powerful to understand all the reasons you felt the way you did and all the reasons why that part of your life is over and why it needs to be. To reach contentment and peace when you turn the page, take the lessons with you, grow and know that the best is yet to come. When you are at peace with yourself and you take comfort in the fact that you did all you could, you gave all of yourself, 110%. When you have no regrets and you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

In my short 21 years here on earth I like to think that I have learned a few things, and the most important one being that there is a greater plan, life is never too hard and everything that falls apart eventually falls into place. There was a time when I said my little cheesy phrases of "I can't live without him", "What would I do without him?" .... and now look at me.... living. haha

I am strange because I love feeling sore. I love working out and feeling the sore affects the next day, and I love bruises. Yes I am weird but in that same regard I love going through hard things. While the pain seems unbearable at the time it brings something to my life that is greatly needed. In my moments of heartache my eyes are opened to all the amazing people I have in my life. I get a peak into just how truly blessed and loved I am. I see the world through thankful eyes. When you are just trying to get by day by day the little things you once overlooked suddenly become your lifeline. And for me and my stubborn self I now that hard things have to happen so I will listen and pay attention.

Last night Brandi told me that I seemed more like Breanna then I had in a long time, and she is right, I feel more like myself then I have in a long time and it is a beautiful feeling. I can't wait around for someone to figure it out. I have accepted all that has happened. I have taken it for the lessons it brought, I am thankful for all of it, it is a part of me now and part of loving yourself is loving the cracks you come with.

 My life is falling together. All it takes is one look around me to know that I live a beautiful life and everything is working out. I am in my beautiful hometown, I have the best family and friends anyone could ask for, I have a job and an interview for a job (12$ an hour!!!!!), I am looking for a place to live with my best friend, and I am happy. I love who I am and where I am going.

My heart got cut into pieces, left scattered everywhere. While at times I thought that it was a helpless cause to fix, one day at a time with the help from my friends, roommates, parents, siblings, and my Savior I picked up the pieces, dusted them off and put them back together. My heart isn't the same as it once was and there are still some pieces missing but it is far from broken or ruined, it might even be better off, more wise, and still full of love.

I am Breanna Frickin Rushton and as Rylee once said: "Rushton's may bruise, but we don't break."

A Piece of my Heart Forever

I can honestly say that this last year of my life has been the hardest one yet. There have been so many ups and downs. I've had so many questions and experiences and life problems and wrong turns and mistakes and doubt and anxiety and unknowns. I haven't made the right choices and have had plenty of freak outs and mental break downs. I think I lost myself this year....and lost sight of the things I wanted in life. I got so caught up in a downward spiral and I just wasn't truly happy....

The good news is I realized it haha the good news is that I can move on, rebuild, grow, learn and become who I want to be. 

Remember: The heavens will not be filled with those who never made mistakes but with those who recognized that they were off course and who corrected their ways to get back in the light of gospel truth. –President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Three months ago I got out of the car at the Seattle airport and I didn't think that I would have the strength to make my legs even work enough to get on the plane. I was that girl on the plane and shuttle that was so close to tears looking at me wrong would have made me break down. I fought coming back to Rexburg soooooooo hard. I left my family, my friends, my jobs, and the boy I was in love with at the time. I was a mess of sleepless nights, sobbing tears, long phone calls and prayerful pleading. I even dropped my classes, got all online ones, talked to an adviser, and switched to on online degree. I was so ready to get out of here and was in the process of trying to figure out how to get my stuff home. I didn't know what to do.... I didn't know what was best for my life.... I knew what I wanted but I didn't know what I was doing.... So I got on my knees.

I prayed my heart out. I told my Heavenly Father how I was feeling, what I wanted, and how confused I was. He heard all I had to say through my tears and I was told to stay.... and I was really mad.... I was really angry that that is what I needed to do....but trusting him, all my classes got changed back and even though it took almost a month I finally started unpacking my stuff. 

My classes changed my life. Every time I went to school I would learn more about myself than anything else. I learned what I wanted, I discovered strengths, I grew spiritually and my understanding and outlook expanded. It was still hard, with the worst yet to come.

My nights turned sleepless once again.... my anxiety grew unmanageable and my fears became unavoidable. When I ended my relationship and all of the anxiety and sleepless nights ended... I knew that I had done the right thing for the time... but that didn't mean it was easy. Watching someone you love more than anything do all the things he said he never would.... watching him give into a toxic environment, watching him give up the fight, stop caring.... That is the most difficult thing I have gone through...

So much has happened this semester... so many questions, fears and unknowns to face but through it all I remain so very thankful.

I have a Savior and a Father in Heaven that know me better than I know myself.... They know what I need and more importantly they know what I deserve. I am so thankful that I don't get what I ask for, so thankful that I am told no. I have a Savior who loved me so much he gave his life for me, and gave me a way to return. I am so very thankful for a Savior who leaves the 99 and goes after the lost .... 1. I have a testimony and know the power of forgiveness. And this semester I learned so much about the other aspect of the atonement, strength. I have beautiful people around me that tell me I am so strong and they look up to me.... but what they don't understand is that I am weak. I am so very weak, but my Savior and Father in Heaven are so very strong, and that strength is what gets me out of bed some days. I have felt so much comfort, love, understanding, and power from my Heavenly Father this semester and I am so very thankful for His direction and wisdom. I am really stubborn but I am learning to put all my trust in the Lord, one day at a time I learn and grow. His plan for me is greater than anything I could dream up.

I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God’s thoughts, and then make by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious things in all thinking. –C.S. Lewis

In addition to my Savior I have been blessed with the most amazing support system anyone could ever ask for. My family is so loving and understanding. They love unconditionally and believe in me when I doubt myself. I have a beautiful little sister that posts anywhere she can about how amazing and beautiful I am... it may seem dumb but it means the world to me. She messages me, calls me, takes my mind off life and loves me through all my dumb decisions. She is so young but her youth, trust and confidence build me. I have amazing parents that push me, support me and give so much to me. This semester has really shown me how blessed and lucky I am.

The friendships I have built this semester are ones that I will never forget.

I had two new freshmen roommates this year and they have been nothing but AMAZING. Erika and Chalea are two of the sweetest girls I have ever known. Erika is jumpy and paranoid, always making scary situations soooo much funnier, and Chalea is always there to complement you and give much needed hugs. These girls have listened to soooooo much from me.... from all my venting they deserve a medal haha they will never know how much it meant to me to word vomit and trust them. They never judged me, never thought less of me and always had the most supporting and encouraging things to say. Building me up every time they talked about my strength and how much love they had for me. I am so grateful for them. They will never understand all they gave to me in those conversations, they will never comprehend how much better they made this semester, what examples they were and how much I love and care for them. We had many adventures this semester and I will never forget them. I am so proud of them and so excited to hear all about their missions, they are remarkable people and even though they are younger than me I look up to them and so happy that I had 8 months to live with them. <3

Keeeeeeeeeeeith! haha Four girls, one boy. Most would think this situation ended badly haha but it was perfect. The five of us had adventures every Friday and some even spilled into Saturday. We swam in ice water, had paint fights, learned how to play poker, and had cake wars. I am thankful for this kid. He didn't know it at the time but his adventures made my semester, if it weren't for them I might have lost my mind haha I am so thankful for how fun he was, his willingness to drive, mudding, and his friendship. I respect him and will never forget the time we all spent in Kiwi Loco talking about life, love, God and blessings. That talk helped me a lot and I am so thankful for the person he is, what he has been through, and all the advice and spiritual support he gave.

Michelle Halgren will forever be one of my best friends. She has touched and changed my life and I hope she is here to stay. She is such an amazing person and I don't think I would have made it through this semester without her. She made me food, kept me eating, left notes on my phone, and went on sooooo many walks with me. When I was losing my mind she went out with me, dropping whatever she had to do to be there for me... I'm pretty sure that it is my fault her grades slipped.... my bad. But she will never know how much she means to me. Yes I'm crying now... because I love her. She is so selfless and always there for me, I am forever in debt to her. I’m pretty sure that she has heard more talking and venting from me than any person ever should. Every thought or situation, every idea, hard thing, or problem I was working through.... she has heard it all. She even hears me talking in my sleep. She knows me so well, almost everything about me... because I never shut up haha She understands that I need to talk.... a lot in order to figure things out and I think it is a miracle that she didn't just strangle me haha I know I am annoying and I am just so thankful for her. She will never be able to understand just how deep my love, trust, appreciation and care for her goes. She was there every night, she held me when I cried and talked through all the tears. She will forever be what made Rexburg great when I look back on it. She has a permanent place in my heart, my respect and my thankfulness.

Kate, Kate, Kate. I have learned so much from this girl. The first semester I spent with her she wasn't my favorite person... haha I thought she judged me and that I wasn't good enough. But I now know that none of that is true. She is just so great. She lives her life in a beautiful way and as I got to know her and see that I grew to admire it and not feel judgment but respect. She is now the girl that climbs on me on the couch to see what I'm watching, gives me hugs when I need and gets excited for me. She is beautiful and I have learned so much from her. I look up to her and find such beauty in her strength and the way she lives her life. I hope to be like her.

Katie!!!! I am forever scarred by this girl and her one of a kind hip thrust hahah <3 I respect Katie so much. She wasn't around as much as I would have liked but whenever she was she never failed to put a smile on my face. She got me addicted to Duck Dynasty which has changed my life for the better haha She is so kind and caring and was always there to offer words and advice of support. I love her sporty and outdoors side and hope to be as cool as her. Her smile, singing and dancing brightened my whole semester! Love her

So the next person that helped me is probably going to make a lot of people mad... Kris Calapp. Yeah, I know, yell all you want, but this boy has truly become an amazing friend and support system. Yes we used to date.... but we have an honest, platonic and respecting friendship now and I am so thankful for it. He has spent night after night listening to my venting and ranting about a boy I was in love with. He patiently let me talk, say things I didn't mean, and talk through everything. He was there to call my bluff, call me out and call me dumb when needed haha He was there at 2 in the morning when I couldn't sleep because I needed to let out my wild thoughts. He was there when I was sobbing and he was there to tell me to put on my big girl pants and move on. haha He told me how it was and built me up. We think of each other as friends now and I am so thankful for that. He has been a blessing and I know that he doesn't think he did anything special and that he didn't really help.... but he has changed me more than he will ever know, he has helped me more than I could ever express and I am thankful for him. Yeah he is kind of a dumb boy but he is a boy with a kind and caring heart. He has grown so much, and is become such an amazing person. He has great insight and ideas and his friendship has been invaluable to me.

Michela Laverty is crazy haha In the best most magical way possible. I can always count on her to make me forget life, to get me excited for the future, to understand my awesomeness, and to make me feel better. She listens but she doesn't put up with any crap haha She never lets me put myself down and her support gets me through my dark times. She yells quotes at me, plans crazy trips and she can make me laugh when I don't even want to smile. She has a passion for life and a positive attitude that is infectious and she is one my life long best friends. She puts life in perspective for me, causes me to look outside myself and she builds me. I adore her and her sassy attitude. Her convictions and her outspokenness. She means the world to me and without her my life would be so much less than it is. 

Brandi Clarke is my rock. She got her very own blog post so I'm not going to overdue this one haha but she is other half <3 I love and respect that girl and am so thankful I found her.

We have had the most amazing home teachers this semester <3 We took turns doing Sunday dinners and these boys (Jay, Kenny and Everett)   never hesitated to be there, crack a joke or help out. There where even there at 1 in the morning to give me a blessing <3 Family away from family.

So much has happened in just these short 3 months.... I don't even feel like the same person, and I am actually thankful for that because I am better. I am leaving more than I came, I am leaving stronger and more positive and happy. It's funny because when I got here I didn't think I would be happy until I was leaving... but I am so much better off for staying and so happy I did.

I did it haha I made it through this semester, with a little (A TON of) help from my friends and my Heavenly Father. This has been the best semester of my life <3 So blessed. I am actually going to miss Rexburg Idaho.

I complain about Rexburg a lot. I complain about the weather, the distance from home, the rules, the smallness haha and everything else in between but this town has stolen my heart. It is a magical place full of magical people and most of all a magical school. My life was forever changed for the better when I came to BYU-Idaho and that is only something the lucky people who get this opportunity will ever understand. No matter how much whining we do this place touches a piece of your heart with its magic and atmosphere that is unlike any place on earth. It gives me the courage to be myself, to stand firm to what I know. This is where I have done most of my growth, where I have faced hard times and come out on top. This place has been a comfort and a building block for my life. I have had some of my most fun, crazy and memorable moments here. It was a safe place to learn and great place to build and create myself to be the person I want to be. So yes Rexburg Idaho is annoying, cold, far away, and it is not BYU Provo (Thank heavens) but it is so many more things that are so much greater. A part of my heart and soul will always be in Rexburg, and it will always be a special place to me.

Pulling out of Rexburg will bring a mixture of emotions.... I want to live with these 5 girls forever; I'm going to miss them. There are scary things to face at home, hard things to accept. I don't know what the future holds and sometimes it seems that it would just be easier to hide away in my sanctuary that is Rexburg Idaho.... but because of the lessons and strength I have learned here I am ready to face whatever life has to throw at me. I am strong. I am happy. I am thankful. I am on my way. 

Miss you already Sexy Rexy <3

Once Upon A Time

Your Happily Ever After

By President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Second Counselor in the First Presidency 

Heavenly Father offers to you the greatest gift of all—eternal life—and the opportunity and infinite blessing of your own “happily ever after.” 

My dear young sisters all around the world, I am grateful and honored to be with you today. President Thomas S. Monson and all the leaders of the Church love you; we pray for you, and we rejoice in your faithfulness.

Over the years I have been exposed to many beautiful languages—each of them is fascinating and remarkable; each has its particular charm. But as different as these languages can be, they often have things in common. For example, in most languages there exists a phrase as magical and full of promise as perhaps any in the world. That phrase is “Once upon a time.”

Aren’t those wonderful words to begin a story? “Once upon a time” promises something: a story of adventure and romance, a story of princesses and princes. It may include tales of courage, hope, and everlasting love. In many of these stories, nice overcomes mean and good overcomes evil. But perhaps most of all, I love it when we turn to the last page and our eyes reach the final lines and we see the enchanting words “And they lived happily ever after.”

Isn’t that what we all desire: to be the heroes and heroines of our own stories; to triumph over adversity; to experience life in all its beauty; and, in the end, to live happily ever after?

Today I want to draw your attention to something very significant, very extraordinary. On the first page of your Young Women Personal Progress book, you will find these words: “You are a beloved daughter of Heavenly Father, prepared to come to the earth at this particular time for a sacred and glorious purpose.”

Sisters, those words are true! They are not made up in a fairy tale! Isn’t it remarkable to know that our eternal Heavenly Father knows you, hears you, watches over you, and loves you with an infinite love? In fact, His love for you is so great that He has granted you this earthly life as a precious gift of “once upon a time,” complete with your own true story of adventure, trial, and opportunities for greatness, nobility, courage, and love. And, most glorious of all, He offers you a gift beyond price and comprehension. Heavenly Father offers to you the greatest gift of all—eternal life—and the opportunity and infinite blessing of your own “happily ever after.”

But such a blessing does not come without a price. It is not given simply because you desire it. It comes only through understanding who you are and what you must become in order to be worthy of such a gift.

Trial Is Part of the Journey

For a moment, think back about your favorite fairy tale. In that story the main character may be a princess or a peasant; she might be a mermaid or a milkmaid, a ruler or a servant. You will find one thing all have in common: they must overcome adversity. 

Cinderella has to endure her wicked stepmother and evil stepsisters. She is compelled to suffer long hours of servitude and ridicule. 

In “Beauty and the Beast,” Belle becomes a captive to a frightful-looking beast in order to save her father. She sacrifices her home and family, all she holds dear, to spend several months in the beast’s castle.

In the tale “Rumpelstiltskin,” a poor miller promises the king that his daughter can spin straw into gold. The king immediately sends for her and locks her in a room with a mound of straw and a spinning wheel. Later in the story she faces the danger of losing her firstborn child unless she can guess the name of the magical creature who helped her in this impossible task.

In each of these stories, Cinderella, Belle, and the miller’s daughter have to experience sadness and trial before they can reach their “happily ever after.” Think about it. Has there ever been a person who did not have to go through his or her own dark valley of temptation, trial, and sorrow? 

Sandwiched between their “once upon a time” and “happily ever after,” they all had to experience great adversity. Why must all experience sadness and tragedy? Why could we not simply live in bliss and peace, each day filled with wonder, joy, and love?

The scriptures tell us there must be opposition in all things, for without it we could not discern the sweet from the bitter. Would the marathon runner feel the triumph of finishing the race had she not felt the pain of the hours of pushing against her limits? Would the pianist feel the joy of mastering an intricate sonata without the painstaking hours of practice?

In stories, as in life, adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise. Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy. 

 Let me share with you a personal experience I had as a teenager while our family was attending church in Frankfurt, Germany.

 One Sunday the missionaries brought a new family to our meetings whom I hadn’t seen before. It was a mother with two beautiful daughters. I thought that these missionaries were doing a very, very good job.

I particularly took notice of the one daughter with gorgeous dark hair and large brown eyes. Her name was Harriet, and I think I fell in love with her from the first moment I saw her. Unfortunately, this beautiful young woman didn’t seem to feel the same about me. She had many young men who wanted to make her acquaintance, and I began to wonder if she would ever see me as anything but a friend. But I didn’t let that deter me. I figured out ways to be where she was. When I passed the sacrament, I made sure I was in the right position so that I would be the one to pass the sacrament to her. When we had special activities at church, I rode my bike to Harriet’s house and rang the doorbell. Harriet’s mother usually answered. In fact, she opened the kitchen window of their apartment on the fourth floor and asked what I wanted. I would ask if Harriet would like a ride to church on my bicycle. Harriet’s mother would say, “No, she will be coming later, but I will be happy to ride with you to church.” This wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but how could I decline?

And so we rode to church. I must admit I had a very impressive road bike. Harriet’s mother sat on the top tube bar just in front of me, and I tried to be the most elegant bicycle driver over roads of rough cobblestone.

Time passed. While beautiful Harriet was seeing many other young men, it seemed that I could not make any headway with her. Was I disappointed? Yes. Was I defeated?

Absolutely not! Actually, looking back I recognize that it doesn’t hurt at all to be on good terms with the mother of the girl of your dreams.

 Years later, after I had finished my training as a fighter pilot in the air force, I experienced a modern miracle in Harriet’s response to my continued courting. One day she said, “Dieter, you have matured much over these past years.” I moved quickly after that, and within a few months I was married to the woman I had loved ever since I first saw her. The process hadn’t been easy—there were moments of suffering and despair—but finally my happiness was full, and it still is, even more so.

My dear young sisters, you need to know that you will experience your own adversity. None is exempt. You will suffer, be tempted, and make mistakes. You will learn for yourself what every heroine has learned: through overcoming challenges come growth and strength. 

**It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop. ** 

There are those among you who, although young, have already suffered a full measure of grief and sorrow. My heart is filled with compassion and love for you. How dear you are to the Church. How beloved you are of your Heavenly Father. Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us; He did it for you. You are not alone. 

If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift your heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you. He says to you, as He said to Joseph Smith, “[Your] adversity and [your] afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if [you] endure it well, God shall exalt [you] on high.”

Enduring adversity is not the only thing you must do to experience a happy life. Let me repeat: how you react to adversity and temptation is a critical factor in whether or not you arrive at your own “happily ever after.” 

 Stay True to What You Know Is Right 

 Sisters, young sisters, beloved young sisters, stay true to what you know is right. Everywhere you look today, you will find promises of happiness. Ads in magazines promise total bliss if you will only buy a certain outfit, shampoo, or makeup. Certain media productions glamorize those who embrace evil or who give in to base instincts. Often these same people are portrayed as models of success and accomplishment.

In a world where evil is portrayed as good and good as evil, sometimes it is difficult to know the truth. In some ways it is almost like Little Red Riding Hood’s dilemma: when you are not quite sure what you are seeing, is it a beloved grandmother or is it a dangerous wolf?

I spent many years in the cockpit of an airplane. My task was to get a big jet safely from any part of the world to our desired destination. I knew with certainty that if I wanted to travel from New York to Rome, I needed to fly east. If some were to tell me that I should fly south, I knew there was no truth in their words. I would not trust them because I knew for myself. No amount of persuasion, no amount of flattery, bribery, or threats could convince me that flying south would get me to my destination because I knew.

We all search for happiness, and we all try to find our own “happily ever after.” The truth is, God knows how to get there! And He has created a map for you; He knows the way. He is your beloved Heavenly Father, who seeks your good, your happiness. He desires with all the love of a perfect and pure Father that you reach your supernal destination. The map is available to all. It gives explicit directions of what to do and where to go to everyone who is striving to come unto Christ and “stand as [a witness] of God at all times and in all things, and in all places.” All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father. Trust Him enough to follow His plan.

Nevertheless, not all will follow the map. They may look at it. They may think it is reasonable, perhaps even true. But they do not follow the divine directions. Many believe that any road will take them to a “happily ever after.” Some may even become angry when others who know the way try to help and tell them. They suppose that such advice is outdated, irrelevant, out of touch with modern life.

 Sisters, they suppose wrong.

  **The Gospel Is the Way to Happily Ever After ** 

I understand that, at times, some may wonder why they attend Church meetings or why it is so important to read the scriptures regularly or pray to our Heavenly Father daily. Here is my answer: You do these things because they are part of God’s path for you. And that path will take you to your “happily ever after” destination. 

“Happily ever after” is not something found only in fairy tales. You can have it! It is available for you! But you must follow your Heavenly Father’s map.

Sisters, please embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ! Learn to love your Heavenly Father with all your heart, might, and mind. Fill your souls with virtue, and love goodness. Always strive to bring out the best in yourself and others.

 Learn to accept and act upon the Young Women values. Live the standards in For the Strength of Youth. These standards guide and direct you to your “happily ever after.” Living these standards will prepare you to make sacred covenants in the temple and establish your own legacy of goodness in your individual circumstances.

“Stand . . . in holy places, and be not moved,” regardless of temptations or difficulties. I promise you that future generations will be grateful for you and praise your name for your courage and faithfulness during this crucial time of your life.

My dear young sisters—you who stand for truth and righteousness, you who seek goodness, you who have entered the waters of baptism and walk in the ways of the Lord—our Father in Heaven has promised that you will “mount up with wings as eagles; [you] shall run, and not be weary; and [you] shall walk, and not faint.” You “shall not be deceived.” God will bless and prosper you. “The gates of hell shall not prevail against you; . . . and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good, and his name’s glory.”

Sisters, we love you. We pray for you. Be strong and of good courage. You are truly royal spirit daughters of Almighty God. You are princesses, destined to become queens. Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your “once upon a time” is now. As an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, I leave you my blessing and give you a promise that as you accept and live the values and principles of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, “[you] will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.” And the day will come when you turn the final pages of your own glorious story; there you will read and experience the fulfillment of those blessed and wonderful words: “And they lived happily ever after.” Of this I testify in the holy name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Thank You

I have been so thankful lately. I look around me and I see so much love and greatness and caring.... it honestly just leaves me with my mouth open. I look at the people in my life... and I see all that they do for me and I am so blessed. I guess sometimes it is easier to see all of this when you are going through a down time and you have something to compare it to.

I have the most amazing family. I get calls, texts, Facebook posts, encouraging messages and any means of encouragement possible. And it is what is in these calls and messages that amazes me the most. They aren't angry, or bitter, they aren't full of judgement, rude remarks or hateful comments about someone else. They are full of love. They focus on my greatness, my worth and what I deserve. They are uplifting, gentle and encouraging. They fill me with love and appreciation. Not everyone has that... in fact many don't. Not everyone has such kind parents. Ones that encourage and cultivate their children to be individuals that make their own decisions. Parents that teach consequences while at the same time giving and allowing the freedom to make mistakes. Not everyone has parents that love without conditions, respect you enough to not lie to you and build you up to be an independent thinker that can make your own decisions. I think that sometimes I assume that everyone knows these things and that people are raised this way. It isn't until I see the lasting affects of bad parenting, and the disappointing happenings of someone else that I get a glimpse into how lucky I am. I have parents that push me to be more than I am and guide me to be the best I can be. I have parents that have taught me and shown me to rise above my circumstances and what happens to me. Parents that expect more from me, have given me the confidence and power to make changes and make my life all that I want it to be. Parents that are not only friends ... but parents, that don't claim to be perfect but are great examples. I have a family that is progressing, it may be slowly but they are constantly in the progress of bettering themselves and growing to become more. We have gone through hard times together but sometimes you wouldn't even be able to tell because we have overcome and do not let hard times get us down. I have a family full of so much love, and it only grows stronger. We rally around each other, challenge each other and support each other. I am valued and recognized.

In addition to my family come some of the most amazing friends a girl could dream up. I have notes left for me, pancakes and eggs made for me, non stop laughing, texts, quotes thrown at me, long rambled conversations, hours of phone calls, hugs, messages, and someone on the other end of the line at any time of night for pointless conversations. I have friends that stay up all night with me, walking buddies, people that tell me how it is and are honest with me, and friends that are up for anything, that go on random adventures and fill my life with so much wholesome joy and fun. More than that though I have friends that know me. I have people that value my thoughts and feelings. I have people that fight for me and for what I want and deserve even when I don't know what that is at times. I have amazing friends that defend me. I have friends that even if they don't agree or live their life the way I do they will always support, respect me and push me to be better. I don't have friends that use me for what I can give to them. I have honest people that would drop anything to even just sit next to me if that is what I needed. Friends that remember who I am even when I forget... friends that don't let me do stupid things in moments of emotional confusion. They build me up and allow me to be who I want to be. They do not try and push their beliefs or wants on me, they allow me to express and be myself whoever that is. They see my beauty and worth and remind me of it in the moments I forget.

I have people that build me up. Not superficially or materialistically but people that know my greatness and don't let me accept any less from myself. People that are proud of me for the right reasons. People that see the good in everyone and love them, and are disappointed and sad when they make a dumb choice. People that know my worth and teach it to me over and over again. People that give me the confidence I need to face the world, and the power to be myself.

I am just more thankful than words could ever express. I feel bad... I feel bad that not everyone has this support, encouragement and love. I am a strong believer that you can become anything you want to become.... but from what I have seen the people we surround ourselves with have more say and influence on our lives than we know.

So thank you. I will never be able to express my gratitude for all of the things you all enrich my life with. I will never be able to give back all that you have given me, but every night I go to bed I have a smile on my face because of all of you. Because I know that no matter what happens in life all it takes is one look at all of you to know that I have it all. I have people that give life meaning, and people that make my life worth it. I am blessed. You have touched and changed my life more than you will ever know. Thank you.

How Did I Get So Lucky?

I was having a really down day. Just kind of out of it and frustrated about life. I was laying in bed when my phone rang and on the other end was my beautiful baby sister. We talked about life, she made me laugh and lifted my spirits. We got off the phone and then later that night I got this message and picture. 

"See this girl right here, she's beautiful. No matter what anyone else says I think she's beautiful and I look up to her. She's a great example to me and It kills me that she thinks so badly of her self.  All my friends talk about how pretty she is and I don't like what she's doing to her body it kills me to hear. You're perfect in every way, you're funny, smart, pretty, outgoing and all around amazing. Next time you look in the mirror picture yourself the way God sees you and ask yourself if he likes what you're doing to your beautiful body. You should never compare yourself to magazines or people around you or skinny people cuz they just aren't normal to be that skinny. You're perfect the way your body is and I love you and you have tons of people who love you keep your head up sister love you:)"

I don't know when she grew up, and I don't know when she became so amazing. But she truly is something special. She blows my mind everyday. I love her attitude about life, her spunk, her confidence and her passion for weirdness in life. I have so much respect for her and so much love for her. It's an interesting day when your 14 year old little sister puts you in your place, calls you out, and shows so much more wisdom than you. 

All I did was cry when I got that message. Because it was so touching to have her care so much about me and also because I feel like I let her down. I admire her and am so thankful for her. I can't even put into words how much I care and adore that little girl..... she is so special. Amazing. I hope someday to be more like her, that may sound weird because she is younger than me but she is full of such honest beauty and love and she is a great example. She is crazy, insane, outgoing, loving, gorgeous and so many more amazing things. I don't know how I got so lucky but I will forever be in debt to all the amazing goodness she has brought into my life. I don't know what I would do without her <3 

Every Laughing Moment Confirms that Life is Beautiful

Life has a way of surprising you. It can be really hard and down right unfair yet put a smile on your face at the same time. There are so many bad things out there.... death and hurting and abuse. So many things that bring pain and suffering, heart-aching sadness. Crippling fear, uncertainty and unfairness. So much to drag you down and hold you under the water no matter how hard you try to escape. So much is out of our control and up in the air...

It seems that everyday we as humans wake up with the wrong out look. "I didn't get enough sleep", "I burnt the toast," "It was raining," "Its just an off day" and so on. When we talk about our days we share all of these little mishaps and bummer occurrences to explain how our day was... and more often then not it is only the bad that we share. Why is "no news good news?" Why can't we focus on the fact that we have an alarm clock instead of being angry that it went off before you were ready to get up. How amazing would it be if you asked someone how their day was and they responded by saying "Well I was so thankful to roll out of my comfortable bed and go to my job that supports my life, I am happy that I woke up this morning and I can have today." Life doesn't owe us anything. We are not here to skip through life and experience only amazing things. Not everything is fair, not everything is fun. In this world full of so much anger and troubles, so much hurt and danger we need to see through the cracks at the moments of greatness. 

“It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”― Charles Dickens

There is good in this world. There is magic. I can't count the number of times I have been told that I need to get over my expectations and accept reality... and while there may be some truth to that I refuse alter myself, why would I want to change my views to fit that of such a sad world anyways? No. I will not. I will not change my expectations of all that can be and is good in life. I will continue to cry at sad and beautiful moments in movies. There is nothing better than when it is late at night and all the world is asleep except you and the person on the other end of the line somewhere in the world. There is nothing better than sitting in a room laughing with great people. Nothing like laughing at nothing, sharing moments with your loved ones or receiving a touching gesture. Taking a moment to look around you and witness the beauty of a world that was created for you. Music that lifts your spirits and touches your soul. Quotes that put your feelings to words. Hugs of comfort, looks of understanding and and trusting relationships. Cuddling cures depression. There is nothing like causing a little trouble, doing something you never thought you would, and being with the people you love. I live for those moments when I am laying in bed with a smile on my face because I have so much hope in a beautiful future. I live for the moments when I am laughing and I take a moment to look around and in that split second I understand what life is all about. Those moments of love and when you are so full of happiness that you can't help but smile and break out in a little silly dance. Those are the moments I choose to focus on, instead of the bad ones. 

"You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Oh, most everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of magic, connected by silver filaments of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its green spirit glow I saw the past, the present and into the future. You probably did too; you just don’t recall it. See, this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God’s sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they’d allowed to wither in themselves.

After you go so far away from it, though, you can’t really get it back. You can have seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it’s because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they’re left feeling a little heartsad and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world, when you listen to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and wonder where it might be going, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.

That’s what I believe." 

I know that most people could probably look at  me and think that I am some foolish little girl that really hasn't had anything that hard to go through, and they are probably right. My life is not awful and I haven't had to go through any truly horrible and terrible things of this world. I am not trying to say that it isn't hard just that we shouldn't give life or anyone the power to take the smile's off of our faces. I have had my heart shattered... time and time again but I will never be bitter or stop believing in the heart racing magic that is love. I will still look for it, I will still believe in it and I will still hope for it. I will experience heartache  sadness, confusion, hurt, uncertainty fear and loneliness but I will never lose my hope, love and belief in magic and happiness. Bad things happen but every time we overcome them and a smile spreads over our face after we get through it we win. We win every time we don't let life or circumstance get the best of us. We win when we still see the beauty in such a messed up world.

We win. 

It Doesn't Get Better Than This

You couldn't pay me to go back to middle school... I was awkward and weird looking, insecure and I wore the same jacket like every day.... and don't even get me started on the hair, braces and glasses... Needless to say I am happy those days are over haha but there is one thing that happened in middle school that would forever change and bless my life, I met my life long best friend.

It was 8th grade and I was having the worst time of my life with some not very nice girls and I went home crying almost every day. I started sitting at a new table for lunch with Simone, Rachel and Brandi Clarke. We became fast friends. They took me in, built me up and gave me confidence and great times. The years came and 4 became 3 and by sophomore year we were down to just 2, Brandi Clarke and I.

Other than my family I would have to say that Brandi Clarke has had the most impact on my life. She has been by my side through EVERYTHING. When a huge secret and devastating family crisis came up in high school it was her that I called at 2 in the morning and even though I'm sure she couldn't make out a word I was saying through all the tears she talked to me, and calmed me down. Everyone needs a 2 am friend. She was there every time my biological father was awful to me, she was there when people were rude to me but more importantly she was there for all the good times.

Brandi was there when I got my first kiss; fell in love for the first time and when I had my first, second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth heartbreak and so on. She was there for every dumb decision and mistake. Every time I went back to the wrong guy or let my heart lead when my mind should have. She never once judged me or thought I was crazy or irrational, she always understood and talked me through all my feelings, getting me back on the positive, right path. She was ALWAYS right haha and I never listened to her, I still don’t (You'd think I’d learn my lesson....) yet she was always there to comfort me and get upset and protective. She believes in me and gives me confidence.

We are very different, we believe different things and do different things but she has never been anything but supportive and protective of my morals and values. We have only fought once.... over John Diggs (kill me) haha but even that only lasted a day..... Sure she annoys me sometimes and I make fun of how long it takes her to get ready but there is not a better person in the world.

She is beautiful. Inside and out. She has a heart of gold; she is nice to everyone.... even when they don't deserve it. She is funny, she is outspoken, she is the best kind of weird there is. She is not afraid to be herself. She is so strong, hardworking and silly. I hope to be more like her someday. She is trusting and full of love and compassion. Understanding with just the perfect amount of tough love. She deserves everything good in life, the very best. I don't think I could ever fully explain how much I love her and how much I think she deserves. She should be treasured and adored. I don't think she understands how special she is and that people like her come around once in a life time..... If I could I would throw a parade in her honor every day. I would hire people to complement her on all she does idk haha but if I could find some way to show her how wonderful she is I would. She is the very best things about life.

As we went off to college we were scared where our friendship would end up... but that was a silly fear to have with a friendship like ours. No matter how much time we spend apart or don't talk nothing changes. We only grow closer and she only means more to me. Every shattered heart, body image issue, family drama, school or life worry she has been there.... right by my side no matter what. She can't take the pain away but with a friend like her and with the support she gives she makes the pain lessen. She puts a smile on my face, gratitude in my heart and positives in my head. She is beautiful.

Even if it's just a sad post on Facebook I get a call or text asking how I am, she would drop anything and everything to be there for me, and I would do the same for her.... nothing beats the feeling of having someone you can depend on no matter what.

She is the best friend a girl could ask for. Yeah I have made more amazing best friends but there will never be another Brandi Clarke. She is the one that has gotten me through my darkest days and she is the one with whom I have shared my happiest moments. But more than always being there for me she has taught me what I deserve.

Boys should be warned now, she has set an impossibly high standard, and while I know that no boy will ever be Brandi Clarke she has taught me to never settle. That I am amazing and just like her I deserve the best out of life. I am spoiled by her love and attention, her understanding and support. I will never be able to express or thank her for all she is to me but I am so lucky to have her, and so lucky to have more and more mistakes to face and happy times to enjoy with her by my side. There are so many adventures to come.

Someday her and I will find ourselves in our spot overlooking all of Olympia. Our kids and husbands at home and we will look back, remember and laugh at all of the crazy, stupid, magical, awful, silly, hurtful, lovely and tough things that got us to that point. We will laugh at all of the b.s. and dumb people and all of the hard things that got us down because no matter what happens the world is a beautiful place when you have a best friend like Brandi Clarke <3