It has been FOREVER since I wrote a blog.... I was reading
through all of my old blogs and I have come to the conclusion.... I am a drama
queen haha But really though... I know I never intend to be, I think that I
just feel... LOTS of things haha very deeply and very expressively and in
clique ways lol But as I continued to read I also realized that I am in such a
different place, a better one, with a better mind set and on my way to who I
want to be. I am a talker, I need to express and communicate absolutely
everything on my mind, multiple times in multiple ways, yes, feel bad for my
friends and family because they are saints lol Reading all of my posts brought
me back to where I have been, and made me think about where I am going. If I
have to vent and be dramatic and go through all of these things in life to
learn, grow, and end up better off then so be it. Blogging helps me process and
everything said in my blog is subject to change depending on my mood and stage
in life haha <3
I don't know how it is possible to feel two conflicting
emotions about the same thing. To both love it and dislike it, to find it a
strength and a weakness. To try and change it and make it not so, yet think of
it as an asset to protect. Somehow my crazy feelings have found a way to do
this and I feel that way with my heart a lot....
"This is for the people who find it difficult to leave,
whether that is to leave people or places. This is for the people like me, who
build homes out of everything we touch. Every inch of skin, every page in a
book, every stranger's kiss. This is for the people who wear their hearts on
their sleeves, and on their lips, for those who carry it in the palms of their
hands. This is for the girl with a hundred strings tied to her, tugging her in
every direction except forward. This is for you. This is for me. We are nomads
who find homes that temporarily house our hearts. We are travelers that never
leave our home town. This is for those who are afraid to cut the strings, for
the people who are afraid to leave the places our hearts have grown so
comfortably in. Cut the threads, set yourself free. We'll find new places,
we'll find new homes."
I care deeply, passionately, fiercely, apologetically, and
unconditionally. I love that about myself. Because when you are passionate and
appreciative life is a beautiful place with new adventures and wonderful
possibilities just around the corner. I believe in magic, and sparkles and
beauty. I look for the good in other people, and usually believe the best in
them. I feel like I have an understanding to some degree on feelings, being
that I have so many of them, and because of that I feel like I can sympathize
and understand the feelings going on in someone to make them do certain things
or act a certain way. I love this heart of mine. I love the joys and how
overwhelmed it gets with appreciation and love. It makes me feel alive. Yet you
know what they say about people who care too much.... they usually get the most
hurt... and that is where I am torn. My mind rapidly goes between loving my
qualities and being an emotional person, and wishing that I could just never
feel anything again so that at least I won’t get hurt....Do you think it's
possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get
back in return?
I worry, I worry that this beautiful heart of mine will just
get used to being used. That it will become accustom to not being important.
When people abuse your trust, disregard your feelings, take advantage of your
patience and understanding, ignore you, and not give a second thought to using
your heart and worst of all your body, it's a lot easier to treat yourself the
same way. It’s easy to abuse your own mind and body when you see that it is so
easy for other to. Because while I would do almost anything for those that mean
a lot to me... I find that they don't always feel the same. The phone rings till
the voice mail, the text goes ignored or the flash of tears in my eyes is over
looked. I have some amazing people in my life that are there for me no matter
what, so I am not trying to take away from them. But I also have people in my
life that take and take and take till I feel next to nothing. Till I feel empty, alone, not good enough
worthless and unimportant. Will I ever mean that much to someone? Will I ever
be too great to lose...? Will I be worth the fight and the effort? I know what
you are thinking.... the answer seems so easy.. cut those people out of your
life... but that's what I have a hard time with because I understand them.... I
understand that they aren't doing it on purpose. This life is big and scary and
everyone is just trying to figure it out. I know what it feels like to hurt, to
feel alone and to feel so very far gone you don't think anyone can reach you. There
have been weeks and months where just getting out of bed was an accomplishment.
Wanting someone to look at your smiling face, see past all of your jokes and
your it doesn't bother me attitude and say "I know you're not okay."
Everybody has demons, everyone has pain. I never want any person in this world
to feel that broken or lost. There are too many sad and awful things in this
world and if I can take away a little of your sadness or confusion then I will.
No one should have to be scared alone.
I just wish I was strong enough... I wish that I could
remain objective and help people without getting my own heart bruised in the
process. But the truth is that I fall for people’s vulnerability. In this harsh
fake world I appreciate honesty, and rawness, truth, and that little look in
their eyes when they have said too much and are trying to judge how you took
what they just said... scared that you will see them differently. I fall for
that moment when two people connect solely on what is said and that moment of
understanding when you both are on the same page, connected with feelings and
emotions, hope that you aren't the only one in this world, you are not alone.
This is life and we are all just trying to figure it out.
I feel like I joke a lot, no matter what the situation, I
use humor to not appear weak, to show that I am happy and totally fine... which
I am. But this is where it gets confusing because I am both happy and sad...
and I am still trying to figure out how that is. I put up a joking, carefree, and
unaffected appearance and it may seem like I could care less... but I promise
you that on the inside... I care way too much.
I wish people knew how fragile people are. Trust, honesty,
and hearts are not a thing to be messed with.
Despite all of these mixed up feelings of mine, even when I
cry myself to sleep, or don't really want to get out of bed that day, and no
matter who isn't there for me or who does me wrong there is one thing I know. I
have a Father in Heaven who loves me with a perfect love. A love that looks
past all of my many mistakes and shortcomings, one the never doubts me even
when I don't believe in myself, a love that loves me when I'm not very lovable.
Someone who understands me perfectly, when sometimes that seems impossible. A
love so perfect that despite all the ways I disappoint him, He has never let me
down. His love fills me with hope, with purpose, with understanding and love.
Through him and because of him I can face the world, even when running away
sounds like a better idea. Because of him there is a smile on my face, peace in
my heart, and trust in what will happen next. I don't even want to imagine the
person I would be without the knowledge that I am a child of God, without an
understanding of my worth, or without the strength and love I have received
from my Father.
I found a letter, I don't know who wrote it or anything but
it is beautiful and has helped me.
"My Princess, Don't get discouraged, My beloved; pain
is a part of life. But I promise you that I will turn every tear you've cried
into joy, and I will use your deep pain for a divine purpose. Don't try to hide
form Me. I know everything about you. You are Mine, My beloved! I'm the only
one who can handle your heart and restore you to health and wholeness again. I,
too, have felt great pain, rejection, and anger. But we can go through every
trial together. Hand in hand I will lead you back to My place of peace and joy
after the storm. The sun will shine on you again, and your heart will be
healed. I promise you, My Princess, that when you go through deep waters of
great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty you
will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be
burned. Love, Your King and Healer."
While I complain a lot about some of the hurtful things
people do, and wonder why they do them to me or what I did so wrong... I feel
very thankful. I am so very thankful for my Father in Heaven. He makes me
believe in magic, in the beauty of the world in the simplest ways. I am
thankful for knowledge and most of all for strength. I am thankful for my
smile, and how He has the ability to put it there no matter what has happened.
While pain is hard, tears fall easily, and I doubt and don't like myself on a
daily basis, I know that everything will be okay. When all I want in this world
is to be loved, His is the love that pushes me forward. I have been so blessed
and supported by one who better knows what I need. There is a plan bigger than
me. I may get confused but I have never been alone or left without comfort and
peace. Without the love of my Father in Heaven I don't think life is a thing I
could face, but with him I know that I will never have to face it alone. I will
forgive, I will help in the ways that I can. I will love, I will love with my
whole heart, I will jump head first into life, enjoy every moment of it, get as
much as I can from it, and always try to see the good. Yes people who care too
much usually get the most hurt, but they also see more beauty in people, and in
the world.
