Now a year later I look back on the year I just had and am nothing but amazed by everything that has happened. I was talking to an old church leader of mine and she asked me if I was still with my old boy friend, and my response was something to the effect of "no, he cheated on me and we broke up" and in addition to an "I'm sorry" she responded in the most relaxed manner with "Yeah I think my high school boyfriend cheated on me." We finished our catching up but I don't think she understood how much that simple sentence affected me. I am in such a different place than I was a year ago, with a different mind set, and more acceptance than I thought I would have, with such a different life almost. And I know that It will only get easier from here. Someday I will be married with children of my own and all that boy will be is a cautionary tale of first love. Because "it was through falling flat-on-my-butt in love with him that I realized the most important thing about first love: as deep as it is for you at the time, its only a teaser for even more amazing things to come. And whether first love ends dramatically or hurtfully or simply, eventually all the emotional fog surrounding it clears and we can see that first love is so special because its one of the few experiences in life when we follow only our heart- not reason, not "rules", not what other people say. Maybe thats why we all hold on to our first love in some way - why we miss it or long for it, want to reclaim or redo it. Because first love opens our eyes to that feeling that everyones been talking about, singing about, writing about. It makes you feel like you've crossed over from not knowing, to knowing. With first love, everything is new - and the possibilities it awakens in you are exhilarating."I know many people know who he is, but I also know there aren't that many people who got to see the guy that I did. And that guy, well, I'll never forget him, never. I've learned so much about life and emotion from knowing him and I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Your heart needs to go through some bumps like these in order to make it through. Besides, no matter what he's done or not done, he had the biggest impact on me these past three years. And due to that fact it was hard for me to accept just walking away from him and becoming strangers, it felt like that would take the meaning from what we once had.
But sometimes there are things in our life that aren't meant to stay. Sometimes change may not be what we want, sometimes change is what we really need. And sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest thing you think you'll ever have to do. Sometimes change is too much to bear, but most of the time change is the only thing saving your life. I have often asked my self why I had to let go, if saying goodbye hurt so much, why did I have to do it? And I learned that it hurts so much more to keep holding on to something. "Like you're hanging off a ledge and someone is jumping up and down on your hands but you still can't let go. Like when you're little and you're being tickled...you shout for it to stop because it's torture, but then you go back for more, because somehow being tickled makes you feel safe and special. Holding on is like that...but the torture is painful...and it doesn't make you smile." That's why we're supposed to say goodbye. That's why we're meant to let go.
And this last year has taught me that to let go isn't to forgot, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind, confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. "It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free."
"Some people pass through our lives for a season to teach us lessons that could never be learned if they stayed."
I am going to be completely honest, being with out him in my life in some aspect scares me. He is familiar, he is what I know, letting go of him completely means jumping off the edge of surety, not knowing if anyone else is going to love me the way he did. I know, it will happen, yet it is hard to let go of that security blanket. But I know that "courage is the power to let go of the familiar", and even though it scares me I'm not going to let fear stop me and hold me back. "When you come to the end of all the light you know, and are about to step off into darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly." So I am doing it, a year later he is out of my life in every form, and I have found there is another aspect of this that I have to be okay with. He isnt in the same place I am, and for a while he may hate me, and that makes me sad because I could never hate him... you have a right to feel any way you want to but please just do me a favor, promise me. Please promise that you'll never forget me, that I changed you somehow. Let me know that I had somewhat of an impact on your life. Please promise that you'll always remember me. Losing you was hard enough but I don’t wanna go on knowing I meant nothing to you, that I was just one of those people who passes you by. Promise that you'll always remember me.
Because even if we never talk again please remember that I'm forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.
