How Do you Leave Such a Beautiful Place

This summer more than any before I was able to truly appreciate the beautiful place I grew up in. There is just something about leaving, and facing leaving again that makes you take a deeper look, a longer glance. Washington is one of the most beautiful places in the world and my experience growing up here has been just as beautiful.

I love driving down the freeway and having tall deep green trees on either side of me. I can walk 5 minutes and be at the water, I can drive 15 minutes and be downtown, 30 to a mall and 45 to the city. Yes it may rain a bit more but when the clouds disapear, the smell of fresh rain still in the air and the sun shines and everything looks to be glowing it is magical. Words cannot do this breathtaking state justice. Everyday being here I found one more reason to be thankful for Washington. Its not brown, everything is alive, its the perfect temperature, and it brings a smile to my face.

More that just the beauty I find here, my love for Washington goes deeper. I have so many silly memories, from car chases, spray paint, saran wrapping, late night drives, volleyball games, fireworks, Dennys and one a.m. Then there are the meaningful talks at the capital, hand holds around the lake, rock jumping pictures, sitting in random parking lots spilling our guts, ice cream runs, and girl talks. Where I learned to drive, where I spent the best 4 years of my life and where I discovered Brandi Clarke and Michela Laverty are the best most meaningful friends a girl could have.This place brings me nothing but happiness and comfort.

My home is here, my amazing family and crazy backyard volleyball games, our bbqs, and playful bickering. Everything about this state feels like home, and the only way to describe it is by saying I just belong here, and the boy my heart belongs with is here.

Yet off I go again, to a brown flat freeeeeeeezing state. I can't express how much everything in me is going to ache for home, or how no amount of tears I cry will convey how much I miss this place. I know I am off to have fun, the time of my life even, just remember Washington, a part of me is here with you, and a part of you is with me. Keep my family safe, make sure my friends have the times of their lives and that boy that I'm in love with, keep him happy and make sure he knows that I fall a little more in love with him everyday.
Take Care.

And slowly as the days go by, you lose friends you never thought you would.

Here I sit at my computer, tears falling down my face, extremely confused and heartbroken about how we ended up here. Things weren't always this way, there was a time that you were one of the most sure things in my life, and I couldn't see my life without you in it. But more and more this fear developed, this nagging worry that I wasn't good enough for you. That I wasn't funny enough, I wasn't daring enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't cool enough,  I didn't say the right things or plan the most exciting activities. I felt replaceable, disposable and like I had to fight for your attention and for a place in your life. I just knew that if I didn't fight to keep you around.... you really wouldn't care enough to put in the effort to keep me around.


So I guess this summer I just got tired of being the one doing all of the actions, because you can talk all you want but actions speak louder than words. What hurts now isn't that nagging feeling, its having the proof that I was right. It is the confirming feeling that even though you told me I was your best friend, someone who knew you better than anyone, your mouth likes me a lot more than you do. I was exchangeable, and you found better people to fill my place. Watching how easy it was for you to replace me makes me question if I ever meant anything to you at all....


I was angry for a while, at how shallow you are, how much crap you talk about people yet how hard you try to please those people you talk crap about. I guess it still makes me angry how fake you are. But one question Brandi Clarke asked me was "do you want someone like that in your life anyway?"  


And I guess I dont.... We arent the same people we once were. I know I've changed, and you arent someone I recognize anymore. I've come to terms with the fact that sometimes people arent supposed to stay in your life forever, even if you are bffls (Best Friends For Life). 


Its all just really sad to me, and it made this summer really hard. I already felt like a fish out of water and like I didnt belong so losing one of my best friends added a whole new hurt. I guess I just thought we would beat the odds, that we could remain friends even with the huge distance college put between us. But what I learned this summer is that you can believe you arent those people, you are better than that, or that you are different and you will not fall into the statistic, but sometimes things just dont work like that. I have accepted you, Kaeden Jamed Ball, for who you have been in my life and I will always remember you for who you once were. As for who you are now, I have nothing to say about that person. I'm sad to see you go but life has taught me, there is always something better around the corner.