Upside Down and Inside Out

I am a planner.... I pretty much always have been. I plan out most of the details for everything, not usually on paper but you can pretty much guarantee that there is always some sort of plan in my head haha That is why I usually have a hard time with change, I have a hard time when my plans don't work out. When I was a kid it would usually cause me to freak out, but as I've grown up I can handle these sudden changes with much more ease, or at least I like to think so lol.
I had a plan for my life, or at least for my college years. Go to BYUI, graduate, find someone, get married. haha It was more detailed in my head but that was the basics of it lol So i'm scared.... that plan is changing... not the end results of that plan but the way to get there is taking a major side road lol
I am going home for Winter semester. Yes, I said it. Going home. Its weird, and I almost feel like a failure to be leaving the college campus. I will still be in the same place school wise because I will be taking all of the same classes just online at home. I've had a hard time accepting that even though I need to go home I'm not a failure, it was never in the plan and never even a thought.. but I know its the right thing to do and just because its not what I pictured when I was 10 doesn't mean that it is any less right.
Because I was already having a hard time accepting it I got pretty hurt by my families shocked reaction. I knew I would always be welcomed but London doesnt want me anywhere near "his" basement and it is still up in the air as to where i'll be sleeping haha
The biggest reason behind this big change is money, yes Jordon has a lot to do with it but money is the main thing. I paid for everything to do with my schooling last year, tuition, rent, food, book, everything. This summer I only made enough to cover tuition for one semester so this Fall semester my mom covered my rent and gave me money for food. My college is in a tiny town so jobs are rare and I dont have a car to drive to one anyway. I hate asking for money.... I cringed every time I had to ask for money for food and would usually end up crying when my mom questioned. I know that my family is in a hard spot financially and I HATE contributing to that.
After I talked to my dad about my plan he thanked me... :) He thanked me for thinking of the family and agreed with my decision. I felt soooooo much better after that haha
I am going home and working at a job my mom found me at Office Depot from 7-2 and then I am working in the infant room at my daycare from 3-6. I am saving all I can to pay for my entire next year!
Yet there is one more huge problem in this plan... My step brother totaled my car.... haha ohh the problems that keep piling up. I have no car to drive now.... Against my better judgement I went to my biological father to see if there was anyway he could help out. He just came into a lot of money with a lawsuit and he talked all summer about "buying me a car and getting what I needed and helping me out" You would think that a man that just bought 2 new tricked out rides for himself would jump at the chance to help his daughter out with the first thing she has ever asked him for. But no. Nothing ever changes with him. He threw my adoption in my face and said he had a lot going on too.... He isnt worth my time, or the negatively. Im just so done with him. I could never speak to him again and that would make me nothing but happy. I dont need to get into the details, all that matters is that I have an AMAZING dad, his name is Robert Rushton and he is a better man and father than that sperm donor will ever be. I am so lucky and I have a dad that would do anything for me, and I cant even express how grateful I am for him. <3
On top of all of those big decision i've been trying to find a ride home, trying to sell my contract, packing, cleaning, and trying to finish my homework and finals. It has been extremely stressful and crazy haha Oh boy
But it will all work out. I have faith in life and my Heavenly Father. I know that once I am home surrounded by my families and Jordon all of this stress will be worth it. I am doing all I can and there will be a way for this to all work out! Now it is time to get back to homework haha ....