The good news is I realized it haha the good news is that I
can move on, rebuild, grow, learn and become who I want to be.
Remember: The heavens will not be filled with those who
never made mistakes but with those who recognized that they were off course and
who corrected their ways to get back in the light of gospel truth. –President Dieter
F. Uchtdorf
Three months ago I got out of the car at the Seattle airport
and I didn't think that I would have the strength to make my legs even work
enough to get on the plane. I was that girl on the plane and shuttle that was
so close to tears looking at me wrong would have made me break down. I fought
coming back to Rexburg soooooooo hard. I left my family, my friends, my jobs,
and the boy I was in love with at the time. I was a mess of sleepless nights,
sobbing tears, long phone calls and prayerful pleading. I even dropped my
classes, got all online ones, talked to an adviser, and switched to on online
degree. I was so ready to get out of here and was in the process of trying to
figure out how to get my stuff home. I didn't know what to do.... I didn't know
what was best for my life.... I knew what I wanted but I didn't know what I was
doing.... So I got on my knees.
I prayed my heart out. I told my Heavenly Father how I was
feeling, what I wanted, and how confused I was. He heard all I had to say
through my tears and I was told to stay.... and I was really mad.... I was
really angry that that is what I needed to do....but trusting him, all my
classes got changed back and even though it took almost a month I finally
started unpacking my stuff.
My classes changed my life. Every time I went to school I
would learn more about myself than anything else. I learned what I wanted, I
discovered strengths, I grew spiritually and my understanding and outlook
expanded. It was still hard, with the worst yet to come.
My nights turned sleepless once again.... my anxiety grew
unmanageable and my fears became unavoidable. When I ended my relationship and
all of the anxiety and sleepless nights ended... I knew that I had done the
right thing for the time... but that didn't mean it was easy. Watching someone you love more than anything do all the things he said he never would.... watching him give into a toxic environment, watching him give up the fight, stop caring.... That is the most difficult thing I have gone through...
So much has happened this semester... so many questions,
fears and unknowns to face but through it all I remain so very thankful.
I have a Savior and a Father in Heaven that know me better
than I know myself.... They know what I need and more importantly they know
what I deserve. I am so thankful that I don't get what I ask for, so thankful
that I am told no. I have a Savior who loved me so much he gave his life for
me, and gave me a way to return. I am so very thankful for a Savior who leaves
the 99 and goes after the lost .... 1. I have a testimony and know the power of
forgiveness. And this semester I learned so much about the other aspect of the
atonement, strength. I have beautiful people around me that tell me I am so
strong and they look up to me.... but what they don't understand is that I am
weak. I am so very weak, but my Savior and Father in Heaven are so very strong,
and that strength is what gets me out of bed some days. I have felt so much
comfort, love, understanding, and power from my Heavenly Father this semester
and I am so very thankful for His direction and wisdom. I am really stubborn but I am learning to put all my trust in the Lord, one day at a time I learn and
grow. His plan for me is greater than anything I could dream up.
I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most
glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born
in God’s thoughts, and then make by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most
precious things in all thinking. –C.S. Lewis
In addition to my Savior I have been blessed with the most
amazing support system anyone could ever ask for. My family is so loving and
understanding. They love unconditionally and believe in me when I doubt myself.
I have a beautiful little sister that posts anywhere she can about how amazing
and beautiful I am... it may seem dumb but it means the world to me. She
messages me, calls me, takes my mind off life and loves me through all my dumb
decisions. She is so young but her youth, trust and confidence build me. I have
amazing parents that push me, support me and give so much to me. This semester
has really shown me how blessed and lucky I am.
The friendships I have built this semester are ones that I
will never forget.
I had two new freshmen roommates this year and they have
been nothing but AMAZING. Erika and Chalea are two of the sweetest girls I have
ever known. Erika is jumpy and paranoid, always making scary situations soooo
much funnier, and Chalea is always there to complement you and give much needed
hugs. These girls have listened to soooooo much from me.... from all my venting
they deserve a medal haha they will never know how much it meant to me to word
vomit and trust them. They never judged me, never thought less of me and always
had the most supporting and encouraging things to say. Building me up every
time they talked about my strength and how much love they had for me. I am so
grateful for them. They will never understand all they gave to me in those
conversations, they will never comprehend how much better they made this
semester, what examples they were and how much I love and care for them. We had
many adventures this semester and I will never forget them. I am so proud of
them and so excited to hear all about their missions, they are remarkable
people and even though they are younger than me I look up to them and so happy
that I had 8 months to live with them. <3
Keeeeeeeeeeeith! haha Four girls, one boy. Most would think
this situation ended badly haha but it was perfect. The five of us had
adventures every Friday and some even spilled into Saturday. We swam in ice
water, had paint fights, learned how to play poker, and had cake wars. I am
thankful for this kid. He didn't know it at the time but his adventures made my
semester, if it weren't for them I might have lost my mind haha I am so
thankful for how fun he was, his willingness to drive, mudding, and his
friendship. I respect him and will never forget the time we all spent in Kiwi
Loco talking about life, love, God and blessings. That talk helped me a lot and
I am so thankful for the person he is, what he has been through, and all the
advice and spiritual support he gave. 
Michelle Halgren will forever be one of my best friends. She
has touched and changed my life and I hope she is here to stay. She is such an
amazing person and I don't think I would have made it through this semester
without her. She made me food, kept me eating, left notes on my phone, and went
on sooooo many walks with me. When I was losing my mind she went out with me,
dropping whatever she had to do to be there for me... I'm pretty sure that it
is my fault her grades slipped.... my bad. But she will never know how much she
means to me. Yes I'm crying now... because I love her. She is so selfless and
always there for me, I am forever in debt to her. I’m pretty sure that she has
heard more talking and venting from me than any person ever should. Every
thought or situation, every idea, hard thing, or problem I was working
through.... she has heard it all. She even hears me talking in my sleep. She
knows me so well, almost everything about me... because I never shut up haha
She understands that I need to talk.... a lot in order to figure things out and
I think it is a miracle that she didn't just strangle me haha I know I am
annoying and I am just so thankful for her. She will never be able to
understand just how deep my love, trust, appreciation and care for her goes.
She was there every night, she held me when I cried and talked through all the
tears. She will forever be what made Rexburg great when I look back on it. She
has a permanent place in my heart, my respect and my thankfulness. 
Kate, Kate, Kate. I have learned so much from this girl. The
first semester I spent with her she wasn't my favorite person... haha I thought
she judged me and that I wasn't good enough. But I now know that none of that
is true. She is just so great. She lives her life in a beautiful way and as I
got to know her and see that I grew to admire it and not feel judgment but
respect. She is now the girl that climbs on me on the couch to see what I'm
watching, gives me hugs when I need and gets excited for me. She is beautiful
and I have learned so much from her. I look up to her and find such beauty in
her strength and the way she lives her life. I hope to be like her.
Katie!!!! I am forever scarred by this girl and her one of a kind hip thrust hahah <3 I respect Katie so much. She wasn't around as much as I would have liked but whenever she was she never failed to put a smile on my face. She got me addicted to Duck Dynasty which has changed my life for the better haha She is so kind and caring and was always there to offer words and advice of support. I love her sporty and outdoors side and hope to be as cool as her. Her smile, singing and dancing brightened my whole semester! Love her
So the next person that helped me is probably going to make
a lot of people mad... Kris Calapp. Yeah, I know, yell all you want, but this
boy has truly become an amazing friend and support system. Yes we used to date....
but we have an honest, platonic and respecting friendship now and I am so
thankful for it. He has spent night after night listening to my venting and
ranting about a boy I was in love with. He patiently let me talk, say things I
didn't mean, and talk through everything. He was there to call my bluff, call
me out and call me dumb when needed haha He was there at 2 in the morning when
I couldn't sleep because I needed to let out my wild thoughts. He was there
when I was sobbing and he was there to tell me to put on my big girl pants and
move on. haha He told me how it was and built me up. We think of each other as
friends now and I am so thankful for that. He has been a blessing and I know
that he doesn't think he did anything special and that he didn't really
help.... but he has changed me more than he will ever know, he has helped me
more than I could ever express and I am thankful for him. Yeah he is kind of a
dumb boy but he is a boy with a kind and caring heart. He has grown so much, and is become such an amazing person. He has great insight and
ideas and his friendship has been invaluable to me.
Michela Laverty is crazy haha In the best most magical way
possible. I can always count on her to make me forget life, to get me excited
for the future, to understand my awesomeness, and to make me feel better. She
listens but she doesn't put up with any crap haha She never lets me put myself
down and her support gets me through my dark times. She yells quotes at me,
plans crazy trips and she can make me laugh when I don't even want to smile.
She has a passion for life and a positive attitude that is infectious and she
is one my life long best friends. She puts life in perspective for me, causes
me to look outside myself and she builds me. I adore her and her sassy
attitude. Her convictions and her outspokenness. She means the world to me
and without her my life would be so much less than it is.
Brandi Clarke is my rock. She got her very own blog post so
I'm not going to overdue this one haha but she is other half <3 I love and
respect that girl and am so thankful I found her.
We have had the most amazing home teachers this semester <3 We took turns doing Sunday dinners and these boys (Jay, Kenny and Everett) never hesitated to be there, crack a joke or help out. There where even there at 1 in the morning to give me a blessing <3 Family away from family.
So much has happened in just these short 3 months.... I
don't even feel like the same person, and I am actually thankful for that
because I am better. I am leaving more than I came, I am leaving stronger and
more positive and happy. It's funny because when I got here I didn't think I
would be happy until I was leaving... but I am so much better off for staying
and so happy I did.
I did it haha I made it through this semester, with a little (A TON of) help from my friends and my Heavenly Father. This has been the best semester of
my life <3 So blessed. I am actually going to miss Rexburg Idaho.
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I complain about Rexburg a lot. I complain about the
weather, the distance from home, the rules, the smallness haha and everything
else in between but this town has stolen my heart. It is a magical place full
of magical people and most of all a magical school. My life was forever changed
for the better when I came to BYU-Idaho and that is only something the lucky
people who get this opportunity will ever understand. No matter how much
whining we do this place touches a piece of your heart with its magic and
atmosphere that is unlike any place on earth. It gives me the courage to be
myself, to stand firm to what I know. This is where I have done most of my
growth, where I have faced hard times and come out on top. This place has been
a comfort and a building block for my life. I have had some of my most fun,
crazy and memorable moments here. It was a safe place to learn and great place
to build and create myself to be the person I want to be. So yes Rexburg Idaho
is annoying, cold, far away, and it is not BYU Provo (Thank heavens) but it is
so many more things that are so much greater. A part of my heart and soul will
always be in Rexburg, and it will always be a special place to me.
Pulling out of Rexburg will bring a mixture of emotions....
I want to live with these 5 girls forever; I'm going to miss them. There are
scary things to face at home, hard things to accept. I don't know what the
future holds and sometimes it seems that it would just be easier to hide away
in my sanctuary that is Rexburg Idaho.... but because of the lessons and
strength I have learned here I am ready to face whatever life has to throw at
me. I am strong. I am happy. I am thankful. I am on my way.
Miss you already Sexy Rexy <3
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