The Reason Behind My Silly Smile

He calls it a pity invite, but I like to think of it as me being nice, when I invited him to my movie party haha whatever way you look at it it’s how I met my bffl (Best Friend For Life). After that we started how most great relationships do, over MySpace. He teased me about a boy and as we traded jokes and insults we just kinda clicked. With the hang outs and 24/7 texting 365 days a year we developed a special connection. Yet it wasn’t until I was at a sad vulnerable point that this boy really showed me what he could do. I had just gotten out of a relationship and instead of being lonely and upset at night, my phone would ring and Kaeden James Ball would be on the other end. I’m sure I was annoying at times, because I usually am but he was there to listen to me, comfort me and of course make fun of me haha He has always had his own special way of making me laugh, causing me to forget my worries and the little hang ups I get stuck on. His kindness and friendship at that time is something I will never be able to fully express my gratitude for. He told me something once that has always stuck with me. We were walking out of Yelm high school after a game or something and I was talking about getting back with my ex and he said: “Do what makes you happy, but my shoulder will always be here for you to cry on when he screws you over again” and true to his word, he has always done just that.

As I look back at the long drives, the mall trips, the crazy laughs, the movies, the raps, the music, the ice cream, the night walks and the whispered secrets I feel blessed to have had him in my life. I could look high and low, near and far and still never find anyone in this world like him. My best memories from high school usually contain him haha Like the time we went to homecoming together and ended up ditching our planned dinner, walking down the street to a new restaurant. Going to basketball games and football games, our special hot chocolate secret, and silly conversations over yummy food. We had crazy plans to go to the Yelm club and the night my parents forgot about me so I stayed cuddled up next to him in a rocking chair till 3 a.m. is a night I will never forget. I loved the sweet talks we had in my car with the seats reclined, sun roof open staring at the stars in his driveway haha And the late night walks to the park by his house, sitting in the swings exchanging our deepest secrets. He wrote 4 pages in my Junior year book and those words will always bring a smile to my face, and warmth to my heart, as will this message he sent me that I made sure to save:

” BREANNA ASHLEY RUSHTON!? Uhhh, i think i know her. is she that girl who was my actual FIRST crush? You mean the girl that i was like madly in love with? You mean the girl who maaaade my sophomore and junior year?! You mean the girl that i wish was here to make my senior year? You mean the girl who i love so much that whenever she got hurt, i did toooo? You mean that girl who i met and started talking to on Myspace? HAHAHA. You mean that one chick who thought i was weird, and pity invited me to her movie party? You mean the only girl who i can write 4 pages in a yearbook too?! You mean that one girl who needs to come back to Lacey?! You mean that one girl who has a very special place in my heart? You mean that one girl who makes me soooo angry sometimes, but i still love her? You mean that one girl who has driven me around the 360 for like two years straight? You mean that one girl who i can't live without? You mean that one sexy girl who has the most amazing family? You mean that one girl who i will ALWAYS be friends with? The one who is a lifelong friend? You mean that one girl who rocks a bump better then ANY girl in the whole world? Even Snooookie?! You mean the girl who i can lay out under the stars with and just talk too? That girl who has an adorable laugh? You mean the girl who laughs at my jokes no matter how stupid they are? You mean the girl who was my first ever high school dance date? You mean the girl who i would follow until the end of the earth? You mean THAT girl?! Because, yeah. I know her. And she makes me life bettter. Why, what's up? :D”

I love him with all of my heart. The type of person he is will always amaze me. No matter how sucky things get, no matter how many reasons he has to break down he will forever have a smile on his face. Getting to know him has enriched my life. He is sooooooo happy and outgoing, funny and helpful. He knows and gets along with so many people that at times I worry about him replacing me and not needing me around haha This boy will always have a special place in my heart that is his and his alone. He is the best friend I had and still have. I love Kaeden James Ball for the fact that I can text him saying: “Can I cry on your shoulder?” and he will respond: “All day any day”. No questions asked he will always be the best place I can go for comfort. He will plan a cry party for us complete with ice cream and movies. To this day I miss him when I’m not with him. He is my best friend, the best a girl could ask for. He isn’t afraid to tell me when I’m being dumb, and tell me how it is. Other than my ex he knows the most about me out of everyone in my life, and I trust him with it all. I have gone through so much with him and I am better today because I have him in my life. I can only hope that there is more we can help each other through and I can't even begin to imagine all the crazy silly times ahead of us. :)I don't think I could ever find the words to express all that he has done for me. He will never fully grasp how blessed I feel to have him.   

The Games we Play

Is it ever going to be me? Am I ever going to be the one a boy wants to put a ring on, the one a boy will put above everyone else, go to the end of the world for? The one he puts his own happiness above? My ex told me once that I expect too much, “life isn’t a fairytale, and it most definitely isn’t anything like a movie”. Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m not the girl that gets swept off her feet, not the type to get a story book romance. Not pretty enough to be chased, too needy with too many issues and emotions to be the “ideal” girl for anyone. I guess I’m just scared… what if he is the only boy that thinks of my imperfections as good things, the one that wants to put up with me, and where I was considered beautiful in pj’s with no make-up anywhere near my face? Everyone has always told me “you are going to find someone so much better than him”, “I can’t wait till you meet that guy that treats you better than you thought possible”. Wanna know a secret? I don’t need a boy to give me presents or nice things, I don’t need one that is “so much better than him”, and I don’t require a fade away shot of the perfect kiss on a movie screen. In truth all I want is a boy who loves me, cares about me enough and puts enough respect in who I am to not cheat on me. I can deal with not getting that kiss in the pouring rain, the love story that makes girls jealous, if I don’t have to be the girl that got cheated on anymore.

I need someone to prove to me that I’m worth it, really worth it to them. Maybe all I need is a person who can show me that everyone is not the same. Is it too much to ask for someone to take a risk on me, to fight for me, to actually care enough to not let something go; the way i did for him? I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that I am amazing, with so much to offer someone, but sometimes I still torture myself with the question: “Why wasn’t I good enough?” Getting cheated on doesn’t just hurt when you find out, the pain doesn’t fade when you face that person for the last time, it attacks the very base of your confidence daily.

There are people that say love isn’t a choice, that you can’t control it. I don’t completely agree with that. I believe everyone chooses to love, or not to love. You may not be able to control who that person is you fall for, but you did decide to be open to and accept love. You pick a side, you can hold your heart back to protect it from hurt and you will succeed. You can prevent heartbreaking pain, and avoid that venerable feeling, but that only means you left yourself out of the complete and utter joy love brings. You can’t have both; it is for everyone to select which emotion they want to live without. I’m not saying love will always brings pain, because it doesn’t, in the end you end up with the one that makes every other heart ache worth it. But it’s a risk; this game we play is a messy one because it is not one with shoulder pads, shin guards, or knee braces. It is played with our most venerable possession, our weakest asset, the thing that scares us the most.

For two years of my life I got to experience a fraction of that feeling that people try to express with paragraphs upon paragraphs of the most descriptive words they can string together. Those magical emotions that stunning voices put to a melody, the one people purse and crave. I witnessed some of those feelings that leave people speechless and cause them to do out of character things. Not having those sensations anymore leaves me longing for them. There really is a reason for all of those love songs, and those unspoken words bring more sentiment to your life then thought possible. 
It is hard to go from that butterfly feeling to nothing. 

I LOVE LOVE.

So I guess I know which path I choose. Yeah I may not be the girl that gets a pick you up and spin you around greeting, or “for no good reason” flowers. But at the end of the day I believe my Savior has a plan for me, with the possibility of a love that makes my head spin, a marriage in the temple for “Time and all Eternity”. Love is full of hope and yeah, I may not get all of those things, I may not be “that” girl, but love is too blissful not to believe in. The world is too big scary and lonely to not hope for some sort of heart racing magic. It may take me sometime to try it again but until then I will continue to dream about movie screen endings, boys that are gentlemen, spinning kisses in the rain, tears of pure joy, and those silent knowing looks from across the room the speak volumes. I will keep my belief that love conquers all and life can be better than any fairytale. Yeah you can call me a dreamer, you can call me naive but the real tragedy lies in those that dare not believe.

“You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'”

Find out who you are, and do it on purpose

Its called the Ophelia Syndrome, and it means to let someone else dictate what you feel and what you think. In Hamlet when asked a question Ophelia responded, "I do not know, my lord, what should I think?" This type of person has no knowledge of who they are, and they put no stock or confidence in themselves. They look to others for direction, and easily fall victim to being someone else's carbon copy: ->"If we both think the same way, one of us is unnecessary".


I read a article once that said: "We do a great deal of talking to ourselves, haven’t you noticed? Somewhere along the line, it occurred to me it might be worthwhile to get to know this other fellow I was forever talking to. I might, for one thing, begin to get along with him better. And then, he always seemed to know more about me than I did about him, and that struck me as a great disadvantage to me. So I decided to become better acquainted with this other fellow. And so, I began to know more about myself."
This got me thinking. I spend so much time alone in my own head, but do I truly understand the person talking back to me? I have discovered more about myself in just these 5 months of living alone than I though possible. And the more I get to know myself the more I love who I am.  

In order to reach this level of understanding I knew I needed complete and full honesty from this person I was trying to get better acquainted with. This is the only way I could know where I stood with this person. 

Another important key is trust. "Every man is liable to find himself, at some time, in a situation where everyone else disagrees with him. That is when he must know that fellow he talks things over with—has to know there is no compromise in him—so that when this fellow tells him he is right, it hardly matters what anyone else says". If you can trust that person in your head then you will always stay true to her, and in that regard always stay true to yourself. "But the stresses of living are sometimes rapid and sometimes heavy, and very often insinuating and plausible. Your mind can take countless turnings to satisfy desires and appetites. At that point, because he knows you so well, this other fellow won’t let you respond to anything but the truth—stark and unadorned".

This concept of finding our who you are is to combat the Ophelia Syndrome. Many people out there take the easy way out and just go along with those around them. There are a lot of people out there that think this character is found in all Mormons. While I am sure there are plenty of them out there that fall victim to this, handfuls upon handfuls in fact, there comes a point when you have to find your own faith. You can't rely on the beliefs of your parents and those around you forever. I have taken the time to ponder and discover what I truly believe for myself. Living on my own has made that personal faith an even deeper part of me. We are not meant to be a people that blindly follow. Yes faith is following the unknown, but more than that it is having a personal knowledge and commitment behind your following.
When everything is said and done, at the end of the day when you lay down to bed it is just you and that person in your head. I think getting to know that person is an ongoing project and it should be a goal for everyone: To be confident and trust their true self. 

Don't be just another member of the crowd. Find out what makes you unique and different and then love those imperfections. Define who you are, and work everyday to become who you want to be. 

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

So the most remarkable thing happened to me yesterday. I was sitting all alone in my room and just broke out singing at the top of my lungs, I danced around my room and jumped on my bed. I have had many laughing moments and tons of fun crazy times, yet there was always  that part of me deep down that was sad. I put my life into two categories; before he cheated on me, and after he cheated on me. I would look at pictures of me before I met him and think: That little girl doesn't even know, and I can see pictures from afterwards and I know that my smile is less bright even if others can't see it. At the time I just accepted that my life after him would be less exciting, less comfortable,and less... full if that makes sense. I would fill my days with so much fun and laughing, yet I dreaded crawling into bed at the end of those fun times and facing that empty agony. Slowly I have been fighting that feeling, knowing that life has so much more to offer me than some stupid boy. Yesterday was remarkable because that pull to him was weaker. I can live without him being a part of my life, I don't need to know how every aspect of his life is going, I can think about the fun times I had with him and not feel sad, and that little sad piece inside of me was now smiling. At the time I thought that the pain he caused was a new scar I would have to wear around forever, while I will never fully understand what happened, that scar is a thin faint line now, almost blending in with the rest of my skin. It will never completely go away but the fact it can fade at all was enough to tickle me pink. This may sound crazy but here me out: I am actually happy and thankful he cheated on me. What?!?!?! Yeah I know I sound insane haha But truthfully without that event in my life I would not be where I am now, and I wouldn't be the same person. Had it not happened I don't think I would have been strong enough to walk away from him, and he just isn't the man that is meant to be everything I need. Because all of that crap happened I was forced to leave something comfortable behind and even though it was scary I found the strength in myself to face the unfamiliar.

 There is a quote that I have come to love: “I believe it's all within reach, maybe a far reach, but it's all there waiting for us to work for it. The sunshine is on our side, love is on our side, luck is on our side, and life really is worth it. I'm not saying everything comes easily, or that everything works out how we'd like it to. I'm saying there are twists and turns that are meant to happen, there are things we aren't supposed to know, people we aren't supposed to have in our lives, and things we have to lose to become who we are meant to be. No matter how painful or pointless something may seem faith should be a constant companion, because with it, suddenly the "unknown" isn't a thing to be feared, it's a thing to be embraced, and the challenge or pain that makes you want to break down today is the key to tomorrow. Life is so beautiful when you have hope and faith.”

I am now so excited to see what life brings my way. I had a really low point, but this new high I have reached made it all worth it. My plan of attack is always "Fake it till you make it" haha meaning even if happy is the last thing you feel, act like you are and soon it wont be an act anymore. I choose to smile despite the hurt my heart feels. Every morning when I open my eyes I think of 2 things. The second being all of the crazy work ahead of me haha but the first thing I tell myself is something I adopted from Richard Carlson. He said: "Happiness is the result of my decision to be happy. There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. In other words, happiness is a feeling I tap into, not an outcome of events. I can be happy without changing anything in my life except my relationship to my own thinking. I decide to be happy and commit myself to making happiness my state of mind, rather than relying on a set of circumstances to do it for me."

Everyone asks me why I am so happy all the time and why I laugh at everything, and that is the reason. Life can suck. It throws enough sorrow and confusion at me on its own, so why should I create more? I choose to face every problem or heartache with a smile on my face because that is what I can control. I cant control the actions of others, I cant make something that is hard easy. BUT I can change how I think about it. If I think something is going to be absolutely no fun and a waste of time, then yeah it probably will be. Along with that, if I look for the good in every situation then I will find it. So I danced around my whole apartment yesterday, I laughed with my whole heart, and I feel even better now than I did when I was with him. Life is a constant battle to find the joy in a world that can be harsh. I have reached that peace and inner happiness again. Breanna Ashley Rushton is back, and better than before :) 

haha Life is a party, and yes this is the door to my room <3 lol