The Games we Play

Is it ever going to be me? Am I ever going to be the one a boy wants to put a ring on, the one a boy will put above everyone else, go to the end of the world for? The one he puts his own happiness above? My ex told me once that I expect too much, “life isn’t a fairytale, and it most definitely isn’t anything like a movie”. Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m not the girl that gets swept off her feet, not the type to get a story book romance. Not pretty enough to be chased, too needy with too many issues and emotions to be the “ideal” girl for anyone. I guess I’m just scared… what if he is the only boy that thinks of my imperfections as good things, the one that wants to put up with me, and where I was considered beautiful in pj’s with no make-up anywhere near my face? Everyone has always told me “you are going to find someone so much better than him”, “I can’t wait till you meet that guy that treats you better than you thought possible”. Wanna know a secret? I don’t need a boy to give me presents or nice things, I don’t need one that is “so much better than him”, and I don’t require a fade away shot of the perfect kiss on a movie screen. In truth all I want is a boy who loves me, cares about me enough and puts enough respect in who I am to not cheat on me. I can deal with not getting that kiss in the pouring rain, the love story that makes girls jealous, if I don’t have to be the girl that got cheated on anymore.

I need someone to prove to me that I’m worth it, really worth it to them. Maybe all I need is a person who can show me that everyone is not the same. Is it too much to ask for someone to take a risk on me, to fight for me, to actually care enough to not let something go; the way i did for him? I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that I am amazing, with so much to offer someone, but sometimes I still torture myself with the question: “Why wasn’t I good enough?” Getting cheated on doesn’t just hurt when you find out, the pain doesn’t fade when you face that person for the last time, it attacks the very base of your confidence daily.

There are people that say love isn’t a choice, that you can’t control it. I don’t completely agree with that. I believe everyone chooses to love, or not to love. You may not be able to control who that person is you fall for, but you did decide to be open to and accept love. You pick a side, you can hold your heart back to protect it from hurt and you will succeed. You can prevent heartbreaking pain, and avoid that venerable feeling, but that only means you left yourself out of the complete and utter joy love brings. You can’t have both; it is for everyone to select which emotion they want to live without. I’m not saying love will always brings pain, because it doesn’t, in the end you end up with the one that makes every other heart ache worth it. But it’s a risk; this game we play is a messy one because it is not one with shoulder pads, shin guards, or knee braces. It is played with our most venerable possession, our weakest asset, the thing that scares us the most.

For two years of my life I got to experience a fraction of that feeling that people try to express with paragraphs upon paragraphs of the most descriptive words they can string together. Those magical emotions that stunning voices put to a melody, the one people purse and crave. I witnessed some of those feelings that leave people speechless and cause them to do out of character things. Not having those sensations anymore leaves me longing for them. There really is a reason for all of those love songs, and those unspoken words bring more sentiment to your life then thought possible. 
It is hard to go from that butterfly feeling to nothing. 

I LOVE LOVE.

So I guess I know which path I choose. Yeah I may not be the girl that gets a pick you up and spin you around greeting, or “for no good reason” flowers. But at the end of the day I believe my Savior has a plan for me, with the possibility of a love that makes my head spin, a marriage in the temple for “Time and all Eternity”. Love is full of hope and yeah, I may not get all of those things, I may not be “that” girl, but love is too blissful not to believe in. The world is too big scary and lonely to not hope for some sort of heart racing magic. It may take me sometime to try it again but until then I will continue to dream about movie screen endings, boys that are gentlemen, spinning kisses in the rain, tears of pure joy, and those silent knowing looks from across the room the speak volumes. I will keep my belief that love conquers all and life can be better than any fairytale. Yeah you can call me a dreamer, you can call me naive but the real tragedy lies in those that dare not believe.

“You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'”