There is no Place Like Home

I complain, I do it a lot. I complain when my sister takes my clothes, when everyone is up way too early and I cant sleep and when my parents treat me like im still a teenager haha But even though there are daily things that bug me one thing will never change, I LOVE BEING HOME. There is no other place like it. There is no where else I feel more right or at peace (Jordon is included in my thoughts of home haha)
I feel most like me, the comfort that comes from knowing every road you need to take and randomly running into friendly people you know is amazing. I love my babies at my daycare and getting to see the people I love most in the world everyday.


This Christmas was amazing. I was lucky enough to have 3 Christmases this year <3 Jordon took me down to meet his real dad, his step mom and his 3 sisters and brother. They were amazing! His step mom was super sweet and fun to talk to and I fell in love with his little siblings! I even had a couple of them say they liked me more than Jordon ;) haha They decided to celebrate Christmas a day early so Saturday they woke us up at 6 am to open presents haha Its been a while since I have spent Christmas with little kids so it was so fun and cute to see how excited they were to get presents from Santa :) They even shocked me and got both me and Jordon stockings for our first Christmas together <3 I got spray, lip gloss and a $25 gift card. I was blown away. I fell in love with that family and how comfortable I felt with them. I am so happy that Jordon took me to meet them haha There was a lot of pressure because I was the first girl he has ever introduced to them :) But they told me I passed the test with flying colors and I dont need to bring Jordon next time I visit haha
Then Jordon and I spent Christmas eve with my family. We had an amazing dinner and all opened our pajamas! I went to sleep that night next to all my siblings in our giant sleep over together in the basement content with life. For the first time I fell right to sleep not with thoughts of what I might get the next morning but with the warm comfort of knowing that I already have everything I could possibly need. I had an amazing family, one that is growing past the people I was born to and with. This year has been one of growth and mostly love. So many amazing people have come into my life and I feel so blessed for all of them. Mostly though I fell asleep knowing that that when Jordon Wayne Helmer holds me my world is perfect. He is my future and the best gift I got this year, the most amazing thing I could ever have. <3

For the first year ever my parents had to wake us up haha There was a key in my stocking... haha and when I finally went out side there sat the most amazing car ever :D Not really haha but to me it was! lol My parents were so amazing this Christmas and even got Jordon 2 North Faces. They are amazing people who give everything they have for there children. They live to make our dreams come true and to provide us with all of the opportunities we could ever want. I am forever in debt to the amazing people they are and for everything they've given me.
On top of those 2 amazing Christmases I was able to spend Christmas day with Jordons mom and family. She made the most amazing and yummy dinner ever :) Jordons present was addressed to Breanna & Jordon muahahaha and his mom gave us money for a date!! I love his mom soooo much. She is such an amazing and strong lady. I look up to her and even though we are a lot a like already I want to be like her. I love Jordons family and the home that they share with me. It feels like home to me now too and I am so lucky to have a family like them.
This Christmas took the cake. I can't tell you everything I was given but I can tell you all of the kind acts that I was shown and all of the wonderful people I had the opportunity to spend the holidays with. I enjoyed picking out presents for each family and sibling and watching their face as they opened it. Christmas for me is celebrating the life of our Savior. Our older brother who was born to save us all. The love he has for us is unimaginable and because of that the reason for the season is love. The love I felt this Christmas was my favorite thing about Christmas.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gk40DTv6NfA

Upside Down and Inside Out

I am a planner.... I pretty much always have been. I plan out most of the details for everything, not usually on paper but you can pretty much guarantee that there is always some sort of plan in my head haha That is why I usually have a hard time with change, I have a hard time when my plans don't work out. When I was a kid it would usually cause me to freak out, but as I've grown up I can handle these sudden changes with much more ease, or at least I like to think so lol.
I had a plan for my life, or at least for my college years. Go to BYUI, graduate, find someone, get married. haha It was more detailed in my head but that was the basics of it lol So i'm scared.... that plan is changing... not the end results of that plan but the way to get there is taking a major side road lol
I am going home for Winter semester. Yes, I said it. Going home. Its weird, and I almost feel like a failure to be leaving the college campus. I will still be in the same place school wise because I will be taking all of the same classes just online at home. I've had a hard time accepting that even though I need to go home I'm not a failure, it was never in the plan and never even a thought.. but I know its the right thing to do and just because its not what I pictured when I was 10 doesn't mean that it is any less right.
Because I was already having a hard time accepting it I got pretty hurt by my families shocked reaction. I knew I would always be welcomed but London doesnt want me anywhere near "his" basement and it is still up in the air as to where i'll be sleeping haha
The biggest reason behind this big change is money, yes Jordon has a lot to do with it but money is the main thing. I paid for everything to do with my schooling last year, tuition, rent, food, book, everything. This summer I only made enough to cover tuition for one semester so this Fall semester my mom covered my rent and gave me money for food. My college is in a tiny town so jobs are rare and I dont have a car to drive to one anyway. I hate asking for money.... I cringed every time I had to ask for money for food and would usually end up crying when my mom questioned. I know that my family is in a hard spot financially and I HATE contributing to that.
After I talked to my dad about my plan he thanked me... :) He thanked me for thinking of the family and agreed with my decision. I felt soooooo much better after that haha
I am going home and working at a job my mom found me at Office Depot from 7-2 and then I am working in the infant room at my daycare from 3-6. I am saving all I can to pay for my entire next year!
Yet there is one more huge problem in this plan... My step brother totaled my car.... haha ohh the problems that keep piling up. I have no car to drive now.... Against my better judgement I went to my biological father to see if there was anyway he could help out. He just came into a lot of money with a lawsuit and he talked all summer about "buying me a car and getting what I needed and helping me out" You would think that a man that just bought 2 new tricked out rides for himself would jump at the chance to help his daughter out with the first thing she has ever asked him for. But no. Nothing ever changes with him. He threw my adoption in my face and said he had a lot going on too.... He isnt worth my time, or the negatively. Im just so done with him. I could never speak to him again and that would make me nothing but happy. I dont need to get into the details, all that matters is that I have an AMAZING dad, his name is Robert Rushton and he is a better man and father than that sperm donor will ever be. I am so lucky and I have a dad that would do anything for me, and I cant even express how grateful I am for him. <3
On top of all of those big decision i've been trying to find a ride home, trying to sell my contract, packing, cleaning, and trying to finish my homework and finals. It has been extremely stressful and crazy haha Oh boy
But it will all work out. I have faith in life and my Heavenly Father. I know that once I am home surrounded by my families and Jordon all of this stress will be worth it. I am doing all I can and there will be a way for this to all work out! Now it is time to get back to homework haha ....

I Love Feeling Loved

Soooooo it's my birthday.... The big 2. 0. Yes folks I am no longer a teen. I have joined the club and can't be called a "dumb teenager" haha Wanna know my favorite thing about birthdays? Birthdays make me feel loved. You spend time  celebrating with those people in your life who really care, and you can see who they are. Not with who gives you what or people who do huge things for you but just who is there to make time for you and go out of their way to wish you a happy birthday.

This birthday I have felt nothing but love and amazement as I have been blown away by the amazing people in my life. I got 2 of the most adorable boots ever and gift cards to my two favorite places from my amazing family. And cards that brought tears to my eyes.

The gift that I was most touched by though was the one from Jordons family.... I didnt expect it but I got a huge box in the mail from my other amazing family. I got a scarf, hat and gloves, cake balls, and the sweetest letter from his sister saying that she "thinks of me as her sister". They are some of the sweetest people I know and I am so lucky that they came into my life. Along with their present was Jordons :) I got his sweatshirt and some memorable little things and meaningful inside joke items and a digital picture frame :D The perfect present for the picture obsessed Breanna :) He is adorable!

My AMAZING digital picture frame :)

I got a beautiful card from my grandparents and an AMAZING present from my love Brandi Clarke :DD

My roommates (Michelle and Jessica) are some of the most amazing people I know. Michelle brought me balloons to the class we have together and a "Its my Birthday" pin to wear haha They took me to Olive Garden and bought me dinner, and I woke Sunday morning to a pink and orange decorated living room! Then later I came home to a fruit feast. Fruit is my most favorite thing in the world and chocolate covered strawberries steal my heart :) They are so amazing, I am blown away by them and love them so much :)

The presents and food was all amazing but more than that the cards and kind words I've received this year made me cry and they took the cake. I just love the feeling of having the people I love tell me they love me haha I am so happy and lucky to have these people in my life :D

My BANANA CAKE! haha

Hmmmm... So. I am usually really upset to be another year older haha but this year I have accepted it and am almost just excited to see this next chapter in my life. I adored my teenage years. I have had the most amazing life and experiences with growing up and as hard as it is to see that those teenage years are gone I am so excited to see what more life has in store for me.





The milestones that are going to come in these next years are big... and even scary haha but Life is beautiful :) and I cant wait to see where this ride take me.

So again, Thank you. Thank you to all those people who are in my life. Who love me despite mistakes and imperfection. Thank you for all those that share their life with me and share who they are. Thank you to those who make me feel special and loved. Thank you for all the birthday wishes. Thank you all for the amazing people you are.


20's Here I come haha

And With One Text My Life Was Changed

It read "I'm going to be baptized in two weeks :)"
The phone fell from my hands, tears appeared in my eyes and a huge smile spread across my face. Needless to say my crying really confused my roommate and after grabbing the phone from the ground and reading it she too was smiling and excited. My other roommate joined and they both asked why I was crying. They were mostly happy tears but at the same time I was sad I wasnt going to be able to be there. "We are getting you there" were the first words out of  all they said and not even 10 minutes later Jessica's mouth and not eve 10 minutes later we had an elaborate plan to take Michelle's car, get gas money from my dad, leave Friday, get there Saturday morning and stay till Monday morning. The whole thing was going to be a huge surprise for everyone! The only person that knew about anything was my dad who played dumb to my mom when she brought up trying to get me there. We were all so excited. Erin, Jessica and Michelle all informed their parents who where all on board.


As the days grew closer and October 9th came nearer excitement grew. We would all die laughing when Jordon would say "Just come here now", or "I still have a month and 24 days till I get to see you, that is way too long" haha  There was even a bet about him losing 20 pounds by the "next time I saw him" in "almost 2 months" bwahahahaaha I had to try so hard not to laugh or mess up and give us away. But I did amazing and even broke out some tears at times hahaha

Friday finally came and with enough excitement we were about to burst we climbed into the car. Food, Pepsi, Candy, laughing, loud music and craziness kept us up on the 13 hour car ride to reach Washington at 5 am. We almost ran out of gas on a mountain, pants were almost peed, music was being screamed, fog was everywhere and scary corners were taken. But we made it haha
My family did double takes with their mouths wide open, and when we showed up to Jordons house before he got there the screaming and jumping made for the best reactions of all from his mom and sister :) 


Jordon was called and we all waited for him to show up... it was the longest 15 minutes of my life. His dad told me to text him and tell him I didnt want to talk to him and his mom was laughing because she knew he would come over and freak out about it haha True to her guess Jordon walked in the door really concerned I was mad at him, and we could hear him as he made his way to his little brothers room where we were all hiding and they "needed help moving something" haha

I will never forget the look on his face or the amazing weekend we had. I was whole again, my other half wasn't missing and I fell more in love with him all over again. We showed my roommates all around Washington, had a blast and laughed enough for weeks. Played games with my family, joked and just spent quality fun time with people we all grew to love.

Now Jordon is baptized.... and I cant even put in to words how I am feeling but there was a lot of crying.... haha

I am just so thankful for amazing roommates who were willing to skip class, use their car and make my dream come true. I will forever be in debt to
 their amazing gift to me and I love them so much. 
I am so blessed. I am in awe at how loved I felt this weekend. My grandpa gave me gas money and Jordon's mom handed me a card at his baptism I almost cried when I read the most amazing compliments and saw the gas money. His family is amazing and I love them all as my own. The sweet texts I got from his mom and dad separately touched me and amazing me. They are amazing people and I am so thankful for them. 

Everything about this weekend was magical and I feel so blessed and greatful for everything and every person in my life. Especially all of those that went to Jordons baptism. Jordon and his family were blown away by the packed room and I was amazed. This weekend..... was perfect <3 Thank you to everyone who helped make it that way.

How Do you Leave Such a Beautiful Place

This summer more than any before I was able to truly appreciate the beautiful place I grew up in. There is just something about leaving, and facing leaving again that makes you take a deeper look, a longer glance. Washington is one of the most beautiful places in the world and my experience growing up here has been just as beautiful.

I love driving down the freeway and having tall deep green trees on either side of me. I can walk 5 minutes and be at the water, I can drive 15 minutes and be downtown, 30 to a mall and 45 to the city. Yes it may rain a bit more but when the clouds disapear, the smell of fresh rain still in the air and the sun shines and everything looks to be glowing it is magical. Words cannot do this breathtaking state justice. Everyday being here I found one more reason to be thankful for Washington. Its not brown, everything is alive, its the perfect temperature, and it brings a smile to my face.

More that just the beauty I find here, my love for Washington goes deeper. I have so many silly memories, from car chases, spray paint, saran wrapping, late night drives, volleyball games, fireworks, Dennys and one a.m. Then there are the meaningful talks at the capital, hand holds around the lake, rock jumping pictures, sitting in random parking lots spilling our guts, ice cream runs, and girl talks. Where I learned to drive, where I spent the best 4 years of my life and where I discovered Brandi Clarke and Michela Laverty are the best most meaningful friends a girl could have.This place brings me nothing but happiness and comfort.

My home is here, my amazing family and crazy backyard volleyball games, our bbqs, and playful bickering. Everything about this state feels like home, and the only way to describe it is by saying I just belong here, and the boy my heart belongs with is here.

Yet off I go again, to a brown flat freeeeeeeezing state. I can't express how much everything in me is going to ache for home, or how no amount of tears I cry will convey how much I miss this place. I know I am off to have fun, the time of my life even, just remember Washington, a part of me is here with you, and a part of you is with me. Keep my family safe, make sure my friends have the times of their lives and that boy that I'm in love with, keep him happy and make sure he knows that I fall a little more in love with him everyday.
Take Care.

And slowly as the days go by, you lose friends you never thought you would.

Here I sit at my computer, tears falling down my face, extremely confused and heartbroken about how we ended up here. Things weren't always this way, there was a time that you were one of the most sure things in my life, and I couldn't see my life without you in it. But more and more this fear developed, this nagging worry that I wasn't good enough for you. That I wasn't funny enough, I wasn't daring enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't cool enough,  I didn't say the right things or plan the most exciting activities. I felt replaceable, disposable and like I had to fight for your attention and for a place in your life. I just knew that if I didn't fight to keep you around.... you really wouldn't care enough to put in the effort to keep me around.


So I guess this summer I just got tired of being the one doing all of the actions, because you can talk all you want but actions speak louder than words. What hurts now isn't that nagging feeling, its having the proof that I was right. It is the confirming feeling that even though you told me I was your best friend, someone who knew you better than anyone, your mouth likes me a lot more than you do. I was exchangeable, and you found better people to fill my place. Watching how easy it was for you to replace me makes me question if I ever meant anything to you at all....


I was angry for a while, at how shallow you are, how much crap you talk about people yet how hard you try to please those people you talk crap about. I guess it still makes me angry how fake you are. But one question Brandi Clarke asked me was "do you want someone like that in your life anyway?"  


And I guess I dont.... We arent the same people we once were. I know I've changed, and you arent someone I recognize anymore. I've come to terms with the fact that sometimes people arent supposed to stay in your life forever, even if you are bffls (Best Friends For Life). 


Its all just really sad to me, and it made this summer really hard. I already felt like a fish out of water and like I didnt belong so losing one of my best friends added a whole new hurt. I guess I just thought we would beat the odds, that we could remain friends even with the huge distance college put between us. But what I learned this summer is that you can believe you arent those people, you are better than that, or that you are different and you will not fall into the statistic, but sometimes things just dont work like that. I have accepted you, Kaeden Jamed Ball, for who you have been in my life and I will always remember you for who you once were. As for who you are now, I have nothing to say about that person. I'm sad to see you go but life has taught me, there is always something better around the corner. 

We gain power in our refusal to accept less than we deserve

A year ago today my life came to a stop. Now this wasn't a slow down to go over a pot hole kind of stop, it was a slam your brakes at the last second, drinks flying in the air, the only thing stopping you from getting thrown through the windshield is the breath taking pull of your seat belt kind of stop. In a split second, taking me completely by surprise my life did a one eighty, flipped up side down, leaving me panicked trying to grasp whatever I could to keep from crashing.
Now a year later I look back on the year I just had and am nothing but amazed by everything that has happened. I was talking to an old church leader of mine and she asked me if I was still with my old boy friend, and my response was something to the effect of "no, he cheated on me and we broke up" and in addition to an "I'm sorry" she responded in the most relaxed manner with "Yeah I think my high school boyfriend cheated on me." We finished our catching up but I don't think she understood how much that simple sentence affected me. I am in such a different place than I was a year ago, with a different mind set, and more acceptance than I thought I would have, with such a different life almost. And I know that It will only get easier from here. Someday I will be married with children of my own and all that boy will be is a cautionary tale of first love. Because "it was through falling flat-on-my-butt in love with him that I realized the most important thing about first love: as deep as it is for you at the time, its only a teaser for even more amazing things to come. And whether first love ends dramatically or hurtfully or simply, eventually all the emotional fog surrounding it clears and we can see that first love is so special because its one of the few experiences in life when we follow only our heart- not reason, not "rules", not what other people say. Maybe thats why we all hold on to our first love in some way - why we miss it or long for it, want to reclaim or redo it. Because first love opens our eyes to that feeling that everyones been talking about, singing about, writing about. It makes you feel like you've crossed over from not knowing, to knowing. With first love, everything is new - and the possibilities it awakens in you are exhilarating."


I know many people know who he is, but I also know there aren't that many people who got to see the guy that I did. And that guy, well, I'll never forget him, never. I've learned so much about life and emotion from knowing him and I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Your heart needs to go through some bumps like these in order to make it through. Besides, no matter what he's done or not done, he had the biggest impact on me these past three years. And due to that fact it was hard for me to accept just walking away from him and becoming strangers, it felt like that would take the meaning from what we once had.
But sometimes there are things in our life that aren't meant to stay. Sometimes change may not be what we want, sometimes change is what we really need. And sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest thing you think you'll ever have to do. Sometimes change is too much to bear, but most of the time change is the only thing saving your life. I have often asked my self why I had to let go,  if saying goodbye hurt so much, why did I have to do it? And I learned that it hurts so much more to keep holding on to something. "Like you're hanging off a ledge and someone is jumping up and down on your hands but you still can't let go. Like when you're little and you're being tickled...you shout for it to stop because it's torture, but then you go back for more, because somehow being tickled makes you feel safe and special. Holding on is like that...but the torture is painful...and it doesn't make you smile." That's why we're supposed to say goodbye. That's why we're meant to let go. 


 And  this last year has taught me that to let go isn't to forgot, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind, confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. "It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free."

"Some people pass through our lives for a season to teach us lessons that could never be learned if they stayed."

I am going to be completely honest, being with out him in my life in some aspect scares me. He is familiar, he is what I know, letting go of him completely means jumping off the edge of surety, not knowing if anyone else is going to love me the way he did. I know, it will happen, yet it is hard to let go of that security blanket. But I know that "courage is the power to let go of the familiar", and even though it scares me I'm not going to let fear stop me and hold me back. "When you come to the end of all the light you know, and are about to step off into darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly." So I am doing it, a year later he is out of my life in every form, and I have found there is another aspect of this that I have to be okay with. He isnt in the same place I am,  and for a while he may hate me, and that makes me sad because I could never hate him... you have a right to feel any way you want to but please just do me a favor, promise me. Please promise that you'll never forget me, that I changed you somehow. Let me know that I had somewhat of an impact on your life. Please promise that you'll always remember me. Losing you was hard enough but I don’t wanna go on knowing I meant nothing to you, that I was just one of those people who passes you by. Promise that you'll always remember me. 

Because even if we never talk again please remember that I'm forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.



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Home Away From Home

It's been a while...... so to put an end to my slacking here is a big thank you to the amazing new people this last year has brought me. 

I honestly couldn't have dreamed up all of the fun I had in college my first year. As a kid you paint this picture in your head full of bright colors, big splotches and globs of glitter. You imagine new best friends, crazy new characters, insane fun every night and that feeling of being on top of the world, finally on your own taking life by the horns and making your own rules as you go. It becomes a mindset "just wait tell I get to college", 


"everything will be different in college". I know because I always pictured this different world... and as a kid I always pictured how I would be a different person and that life would just do a 180 when I finally reached that dreamed about moment. Laughing now I am sitting here home for the summer my first year of college over.... yeah time really does fly.... and it's actually weird how nothing ever goes quite how you plan it lol both for the good and the bad. Things I never pictured or planned for sprang up, there were tears, some fights, insecurities and worries. Yet at the same time somethings have turned out better then I ever could have imagined and wished.


 I took a huge leap when I left for college last September because I decided to go alone. No person next to me to exchange looks with, no one already in on my inside jokes and no security in being already comfortable around someone. I jumped, ready to fall and expecting the worst, when I reached the new four walls that would be my new room. What I found behind the door to apartment 318 changed my life. I started out shy but as the year went on I was having more fun than I thought possible. I can't even begin to explain how lucky I was to end up with the roommates I got.


 They are some of the most amazing people that have had a big impact on my life, and have made me a better person just from being around them. My roommates have become seriously my best friends and every morning I  felt blessed to be living with them. That first semester Jessica and Danielle were so sweet and gave me some of the strength I needed to face all that I had going on. They were kind, understanding,  interested and always willing to help. Having them, as well as Michelle and Erin,  there to listen, laugh with and at me, and provide excitement got me through one of the hardest times in my life and I love them with all of my heart. The type of people they are bring light and happiness to my life. 


First semester went by way to fast and as I cried hugging my best friends good bye I was pretty scared to go threw the next semester  without them. Yet second semester surprised me and continued to blow me away. I got to live with Erin and Michelle H. from my first semester along with 3 new girls Alisha, Kimberly, and Michelle C. We had no drama that second semester, just constant laughing and smiles. They picked me up, the made me happy, and they have truly become my family and home away from home. 
I didn't want that semester to end because living with them is always an exciting adventure.My room roommate Michelle has become a big person in my life. She is crazy funny, and even though we fight (I scream crazy loud in her ear... ) and sometimes I wanna punch her face haha I am so happy and lucky to have shared a room with her :) She always speaks her mind and she keeps me in line. I lalalove her! haha Words can't even explain how content, positively happy and upbeat I feel just sitting in the kitchen joking with my little college family, and going to school at BYU Idaho. The atmosphere and the person I am becoming is more than I could ever ask for and expect from college.




         The part of my imagination that didn't come true was my wish to just all of a sudden be a different person haha I am realizing that you can't just snap your fingers, or go off to college to solve your problems or to improve. Its an everyday process of hard work and making little changes at a time. So I guess that this wish not coming true is actually another positive. Its going through the tough things in a problem that making you a better person. It's not just about a new and improved you but going through the trials and learning through them that makes you who you need to be.

My first year of college brought so many new and exciting things. Skydiving, raves in caves, twizle berry, laughing until I almost peed, crazy adventures, wacky dress up, parties, the best birthday EVER, living room forts, movies, crossing things off my bucket list and unforgettable times. I feel blessed. I feel lucky and thankful for all that I have in my life. I truly feel that all of these people were given to me for me to learn from and they are exactly what I needed at all the right times, because I learned important things from  all of them. I don't know if they will ever understand how much they helped me face one of the hardest and most scary times of my life, and how much they all mean to me. It honestly blows my mind how much the Lords hand is in almost every aspect of my life. It amazes me how much he loves and cares for me to surround me with so many things, events and people that improve my life. I feel blessed to be where I am and to have all of these people I love. This is just one aspect of all that I have to be thankful for. 

There is so much more in my life that I have been given that even if I tried to express my gratitude 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year for the rest of my life I still couldn't throughly say Thank You. At home now things are different but I absolutely love being home, I just miss my other family, not the one I was born into but my family all the same. I'm not very good at keeping in touch, I never have been :/ but I can't wait to live with them again and I get excited just thinking about the new crazy adventures in our future :)

Blessed to have him in my life

This was a paper I wrote for English, the quotes and some details are from the article written about Landon... cuz he is a 17 year old boy that didnt want to go into detail about his emotions haha but the rest I gathered from talking to my mom and from what I watched him go through. He is one of my hero's and watching him play is one of my favorite things to do... in other words this is the Landon Rushton I know, and this is who I see when he steps on the court.

The ball lands in his hands after being flung into the air by a teammate. He palms the leather, his fingers running over the ridges grooves and laces, its familiar bumps comfortable to his touch. The look on his face in that moment defines him. The slight flash of insecurity is consumed by a smirk and confidence as his feet pound the floor staring down the sad opponent who dare take him on. For those that get to watch him play he is captivating, moving with such precision it appears as smooth well-rehearsed dance steps. Demonstrating years of practice and hard work encompassed by his drive and pure passion for the adrenalin rush he gets from driving to the basket, to hearing the starting gun ring or to blocking a field goal. Looking at him his peers see a normal jock, a regular teen, lucky to have so much talent. Girls want to catch his eye, his coaches and teammates respect him and the young boys in the crowd want to emulate him when they grow up. People see him as a big shot, a jerk by some, nothing special to his critics, and stuck up to those that don’t know him. But if you watch him play, Landon, will tell you all you need to know about the battle he faced to even be allowed to crouch in those starting blocks, square up to the basket or join a huddle.

Even before he emerged into this world his parents were told that his heart would cause him problems. This proved true at five days old when the right side of Landon’s aorta – the large artery leading out of the heart – was completely closed, and he had to be rushed into emergency surgery so blood flow could be reestablished. Before he turned four he had yet another surgery, and doctors informed his parents that he would probably have to undergo more surgeries in the future. Along with this news came his restriction, his doctor insisted that “he shouldn’t play sports due to the risk his heart imposed”. Yet not even four days after his heart surgery four year old Landon was found running wild around his house like an animal finally released from a cage. His too large purple basketball jersey hanging down to his scrawny knees, ball in hand, trying to fling his body in the air high enough to dunk on the kids hoop in his basement. From then on his mom knew that they “just couldn’t keep him from sports”. His parents decided that as long as he wanted to they weren’t going to restrict him from trying anything. So he was signed up and he poured his heart into being the best he could, always practicing and embracing everything he was taught. Landon has a natural talent and a knack for understanding and applying the important details of any sport. He works hard and refuses to lose.

The argument of him playing sports was officially addressed when high school approached. He had played almost everything under the sun, football, soccer, baseball, track and basketball as a kid, yet going into high school meant more exertion, harder work and more strain on his heart. At his checkup there was talk about possibly needing a stent implant and a specialist recommended that Landon “not do anything” as far as physical activity goes. Yet staring into those tear filling puppy dog eyes his parents didn’t have the heart to rob him of the very thing that makes him who he is. He was animate and refused to be told no, he argued with the most stubborn look of determination on his face. So tryouts started, practices after practices followed, a variety of sports were played and Landon the talented athlete was born.

Today as only a seventeen year old junior in high school he stands 5’ 10”, his dirty blond hair easily recognizable, skinny and small in comparison to those he weaves around while in competition. He is a sprinter on the track team, the starting wide receiver and defensive back in football, setting a single-game school record for receiving yards, with 193 yard on five catches. He is the shooting guard for his school, with a season- high 35 points, named MVP in his Conference averaging 20.7 points a game. One of these outstanding performances was actually a basketball game he lost. Down by eighteen points; ball in hand, heart pounding with sweat dripping into his worry filled eyes his drive took over. Sprinting the floor he took command, shouting encouragement and direction at his team to keep their spirits high and to keep them working hard, refusing to roll over and lose. Two steps and then he leaped into the air his right arm extended, shooting the ball at the basket at just the right angle so it bounced off the backboard and into the hoop. He pulled up just short of the guy guarding him for a fade away jump shot and a swish in the net. He scored seventeen points in a row and brought his team back into the game, even taking the lead at one point. Yet sadly they lost by two points. While his teammates hung their heads Landon thought of his favorite quote: “That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.”

Those that surround him are excited to see all that he will accomplish in the future. Most people don’t know about his heart condition because he doesn’t lean on it as a crutch and refuses to let it stop him from doing just as much work as everyone else. He has been cleared the last seven times he has gone in for a checkup. During one of these doctor visits they performed a stress test to see how his heart preformed while under pressure. Monitors were stuck to his chest, wires and machines populated the area around the treadmill he was placed on. After running faster and faster for an exhausting amount of time the doctors were blown away. His heart was that of a well-trained athlete, surpassing those that were at their athletic peak and were much older. At that point the specialist informed his parents that “staying physically active was probably the best thing he could have done for his heart”. His mom boasts, “It’s been really fun to watch him take that passion and not let anything stop him”. 


If you watch him closely as he walks off the court after a hard fought win, examine his face after the last play in the big Friday night homecoming game, or look into his eyes as he tries to regain his breath after a tough run you will see it. It’s the spirit of a fighter. It’s a hunger, a deep rooted love and appreciation for something that was almost inaccessible to him. He was born with a drive and a passion that is not only evident in sports but in all aspect of his life. Win or lose, blowout or nail bitter, it’s always present, his eyes express the joy and gratitude sports enrich his life with. Landon is a boy that refuses to take no for an answer, he doesn’t believe in restrictions and he knows and has confidence in his own strength, always willing to grow and improve. Those that are privileged to have him in their lives know better than to put limits on this kid, because he will exceed them every time. His heart was born with one true love, sports, and the only real problem it has caused is an unyielding determination to play what he loves despite any risks they may cause. As Landon put it “I’m not going to stop until my heart won’t let me”. 

The Reason Behind My Silly Smile

He calls it a pity invite, but I like to think of it as me being nice, when I invited him to my movie party haha whatever way you look at it it’s how I met my bffl (Best Friend For Life). After that we started how most great relationships do, over MySpace. He teased me about a boy and as we traded jokes and insults we just kinda clicked. With the hang outs and 24/7 texting 365 days a year we developed a special connection. Yet it wasn’t until I was at a sad vulnerable point that this boy really showed me what he could do. I had just gotten out of a relationship and instead of being lonely and upset at night, my phone would ring and Kaeden James Ball would be on the other end. I’m sure I was annoying at times, because I usually am but he was there to listen to me, comfort me and of course make fun of me haha He has always had his own special way of making me laugh, causing me to forget my worries and the little hang ups I get stuck on. His kindness and friendship at that time is something I will never be able to fully express my gratitude for. He told me something once that has always stuck with me. We were walking out of Yelm high school after a game or something and I was talking about getting back with my ex and he said: “Do what makes you happy, but my shoulder will always be here for you to cry on when he screws you over again” and true to his word, he has always done just that.

As I look back at the long drives, the mall trips, the crazy laughs, the movies, the raps, the music, the ice cream, the night walks and the whispered secrets I feel blessed to have had him in my life. I could look high and low, near and far and still never find anyone in this world like him. My best memories from high school usually contain him haha Like the time we went to homecoming together and ended up ditching our planned dinner, walking down the street to a new restaurant. Going to basketball games and football games, our special hot chocolate secret, and silly conversations over yummy food. We had crazy plans to go to the Yelm club and the night my parents forgot about me so I stayed cuddled up next to him in a rocking chair till 3 a.m. is a night I will never forget. I loved the sweet talks we had in my car with the seats reclined, sun roof open staring at the stars in his driveway haha And the late night walks to the park by his house, sitting in the swings exchanging our deepest secrets. He wrote 4 pages in my Junior year book and those words will always bring a smile to my face, and warmth to my heart, as will this message he sent me that I made sure to save:

” BREANNA ASHLEY RUSHTON!? Uhhh, i think i know her. is she that girl who was my actual FIRST crush? You mean the girl that i was like madly in love with? You mean the girl who maaaade my sophomore and junior year?! You mean the girl that i wish was here to make my senior year? You mean the girl who i love so much that whenever she got hurt, i did toooo? You mean that girl who i met and started talking to on Myspace? HAHAHA. You mean that one chick who thought i was weird, and pity invited me to her movie party? You mean the only girl who i can write 4 pages in a yearbook too?! You mean that one girl who needs to come back to Lacey?! You mean that one girl who has a very special place in my heart? You mean that one girl who makes me soooo angry sometimes, but i still love her? You mean that one girl who has driven me around the 360 for like two years straight? You mean that one girl who i can't live without? You mean that one sexy girl who has the most amazing family? You mean that one girl who i will ALWAYS be friends with? The one who is a lifelong friend? You mean that one girl who rocks a bump better then ANY girl in the whole world? Even Snooookie?! You mean the girl who i can lay out under the stars with and just talk too? That girl who has an adorable laugh? You mean the girl who laughs at my jokes no matter how stupid they are? You mean the girl who was my first ever high school dance date? You mean the girl who i would follow until the end of the earth? You mean THAT girl?! Because, yeah. I know her. And she makes me life bettter. Why, what's up? :D”

I love him with all of my heart. The type of person he is will always amaze me. No matter how sucky things get, no matter how many reasons he has to break down he will forever have a smile on his face. Getting to know him has enriched my life. He is sooooooo happy and outgoing, funny and helpful. He knows and gets along with so many people that at times I worry about him replacing me and not needing me around haha This boy will always have a special place in my heart that is his and his alone. He is the best friend I had and still have. I love Kaeden James Ball for the fact that I can text him saying: “Can I cry on your shoulder?” and he will respond: “All day any day”. No questions asked he will always be the best place I can go for comfort. He will plan a cry party for us complete with ice cream and movies. To this day I miss him when I’m not with him. He is my best friend, the best a girl could ask for. He isn’t afraid to tell me when I’m being dumb, and tell me how it is. Other than my ex he knows the most about me out of everyone in my life, and I trust him with it all. I have gone through so much with him and I am better today because I have him in my life. I can only hope that there is more we can help each other through and I can't even begin to imagine all the crazy silly times ahead of us. :)I don't think I could ever find the words to express all that he has done for me. He will never fully grasp how blessed I feel to have him.   

The Games we Play

Is it ever going to be me? Am I ever going to be the one a boy wants to put a ring on, the one a boy will put above everyone else, go to the end of the world for? The one he puts his own happiness above? My ex told me once that I expect too much, “life isn’t a fairytale, and it most definitely isn’t anything like a movie”. Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m not the girl that gets swept off her feet, not the type to get a story book romance. Not pretty enough to be chased, too needy with too many issues and emotions to be the “ideal” girl for anyone. I guess I’m just scared… what if he is the only boy that thinks of my imperfections as good things, the one that wants to put up with me, and where I was considered beautiful in pj’s with no make-up anywhere near my face? Everyone has always told me “you are going to find someone so much better than him”, “I can’t wait till you meet that guy that treats you better than you thought possible”. Wanna know a secret? I don’t need a boy to give me presents or nice things, I don’t need one that is “so much better than him”, and I don’t require a fade away shot of the perfect kiss on a movie screen. In truth all I want is a boy who loves me, cares about me enough and puts enough respect in who I am to not cheat on me. I can deal with not getting that kiss in the pouring rain, the love story that makes girls jealous, if I don’t have to be the girl that got cheated on anymore.

I need someone to prove to me that I’m worth it, really worth it to them. Maybe all I need is a person who can show me that everyone is not the same. Is it too much to ask for someone to take a risk on me, to fight for me, to actually care enough to not let something go; the way i did for him? I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that I am amazing, with so much to offer someone, but sometimes I still torture myself with the question: “Why wasn’t I good enough?” Getting cheated on doesn’t just hurt when you find out, the pain doesn’t fade when you face that person for the last time, it attacks the very base of your confidence daily.

There are people that say love isn’t a choice, that you can’t control it. I don’t completely agree with that. I believe everyone chooses to love, or not to love. You may not be able to control who that person is you fall for, but you did decide to be open to and accept love. You pick a side, you can hold your heart back to protect it from hurt and you will succeed. You can prevent heartbreaking pain, and avoid that venerable feeling, but that only means you left yourself out of the complete and utter joy love brings. You can’t have both; it is for everyone to select which emotion they want to live without. I’m not saying love will always brings pain, because it doesn’t, in the end you end up with the one that makes every other heart ache worth it. But it’s a risk; this game we play is a messy one because it is not one with shoulder pads, shin guards, or knee braces. It is played with our most venerable possession, our weakest asset, the thing that scares us the most.

For two years of my life I got to experience a fraction of that feeling that people try to express with paragraphs upon paragraphs of the most descriptive words they can string together. Those magical emotions that stunning voices put to a melody, the one people purse and crave. I witnessed some of those feelings that leave people speechless and cause them to do out of character things. Not having those sensations anymore leaves me longing for them. There really is a reason for all of those love songs, and those unspoken words bring more sentiment to your life then thought possible. 
It is hard to go from that butterfly feeling to nothing. 

I LOVE LOVE.

So I guess I know which path I choose. Yeah I may not be the girl that gets a pick you up and spin you around greeting, or “for no good reason” flowers. But at the end of the day I believe my Savior has a plan for me, with the possibility of a love that makes my head spin, a marriage in the temple for “Time and all Eternity”. Love is full of hope and yeah, I may not get all of those things, I may not be “that” girl, but love is too blissful not to believe in. The world is too big scary and lonely to not hope for some sort of heart racing magic. It may take me sometime to try it again but until then I will continue to dream about movie screen endings, boys that are gentlemen, spinning kisses in the rain, tears of pure joy, and those silent knowing looks from across the room the speak volumes. I will keep my belief that love conquers all and life can be better than any fairytale. Yeah you can call me a dreamer, you can call me naive but the real tragedy lies in those that dare not believe.

“You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'”

Find out who you are, and do it on purpose

Its called the Ophelia Syndrome, and it means to let someone else dictate what you feel and what you think. In Hamlet when asked a question Ophelia responded, "I do not know, my lord, what should I think?" This type of person has no knowledge of who they are, and they put no stock or confidence in themselves. They look to others for direction, and easily fall victim to being someone else's carbon copy: ->"If we both think the same way, one of us is unnecessary".


I read a article once that said: "We do a great deal of talking to ourselves, haven’t you noticed? Somewhere along the line, it occurred to me it might be worthwhile to get to know this other fellow I was forever talking to. I might, for one thing, begin to get along with him better. And then, he always seemed to know more about me than I did about him, and that struck me as a great disadvantage to me. So I decided to become better acquainted with this other fellow. And so, I began to know more about myself."
This got me thinking. I spend so much time alone in my own head, but do I truly understand the person talking back to me? I have discovered more about myself in just these 5 months of living alone than I though possible. And the more I get to know myself the more I love who I am.  

In order to reach this level of understanding I knew I needed complete and full honesty from this person I was trying to get better acquainted with. This is the only way I could know where I stood with this person. 

Another important key is trust. "Every man is liable to find himself, at some time, in a situation where everyone else disagrees with him. That is when he must know that fellow he talks things over with—has to know there is no compromise in him—so that when this fellow tells him he is right, it hardly matters what anyone else says". If you can trust that person in your head then you will always stay true to her, and in that regard always stay true to yourself. "But the stresses of living are sometimes rapid and sometimes heavy, and very often insinuating and plausible. Your mind can take countless turnings to satisfy desires and appetites. At that point, because he knows you so well, this other fellow won’t let you respond to anything but the truth—stark and unadorned".

This concept of finding our who you are is to combat the Ophelia Syndrome. Many people out there take the easy way out and just go along with those around them. There are a lot of people out there that think this character is found in all Mormons. While I am sure there are plenty of them out there that fall victim to this, handfuls upon handfuls in fact, there comes a point when you have to find your own faith. You can't rely on the beliefs of your parents and those around you forever. I have taken the time to ponder and discover what I truly believe for myself. Living on my own has made that personal faith an even deeper part of me. We are not meant to be a people that blindly follow. Yes faith is following the unknown, but more than that it is having a personal knowledge and commitment behind your following.
When everything is said and done, at the end of the day when you lay down to bed it is just you and that person in your head. I think getting to know that person is an ongoing project and it should be a goal for everyone: To be confident and trust their true self. 

Don't be just another member of the crowd. Find out what makes you unique and different and then love those imperfections. Define who you are, and work everyday to become who you want to be.